Monday, February 28, 2005

Staying Focused

How do I stay focused when I smell like him?

Ahhh-- that whole shower thing.

Right.
M.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

4 to 2

4 to 2
4 to 2,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
So, I beat him 4 games to 2 at darts, got drunk, was irritating in the hot tub, and called him by my ex-boyfriends name. He still invited me back. Go figure.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy

Challenge: To create an album for Steve with stuff I think he will like and might not know, with some stuff I think he should know and like.

Initial Thoughts:
Morphine -- selected tracks
Soul Coughing -- selected tracks
Orbital -- selected tracks
The Shins -- tracks from Caring is Creepy
Franz Ferdinand Tracks from self titled
Interpol-- tracks from Antics
Postal Service -- greatest break up song ever
Fatoboy Slim/Norman Cook -- Weapon of Choice, Renegade Master, Praise You, I Left My Wallet in El Segundo
White Stripes -- Got her in my pocket
Chilli Peppers -- Breaking the Girl

This is going to take awhile.
M.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Kevin the guppy

Kevin the guppy
Kevin the guppy,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
Ok-- my brother Kevin rocks my face off. He is super smart, super funny, and we have exactly the same sense of humor. Considering we have different moms my guess is that "nurture" has something to do with our sarcasm. In this photo he is pretending to be a fish in the fish tank. I know it might only be funny to me and him, but if you hit my flickr page you can see him lurking as a guppy in the back ground behind me and Nicole. And that is why this is funny, in a subtle and yet great way for someone who is 16. Isn't he supposed to be anti social and lame right now? How did I get such a great brother?

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Why Blog Anyway?

So when discussing this site with someone they asked me if it was mainly for me, why was it public?

My answer has lots to do with the essential nature of my personality. I tried a lot growing up to keep a diary. I tried over and over again. I could never get over the fact that I wrote as if someday someone would read my thoughts and judge me. The reason a blog appeals to me is that could actually happen. By forcing the issue I come to terms with the idea that no one cares and that is ok too. Not only do I not get judged, but my ego is faced with the idea that I am not the center of the universe.

It's like I have a very very small voice in cyber space and there are lots of opportunities to get over looked. Most of my life being over looked was the worst thing ever. I did everything I could do to keep myself the center of attention of whatever galaxy I was currently inhabiting.

I found that part of my nature distasteful in many ways. The need to stir up trouble, the constant thought that bad attention is better than no attention, the part of me that seethes when someone else shines for even a second. I want those parts to go away. I want them to be subsumed by my basic good nature and absorbed into something useful or at least harmless like this blog.

Plus as added bonuses I get to vent whitout anyone actually having to listen, I can work to make myself transparent like cellophane with minimal risk so that when it is important in a relationship to do so with risk I feel safer in doing it, and it makes me a better writer-- a skill I am sorely lacking.

So here I am the center of attention in my own way. Noticing I have no fan club and being totally fine with it. And I didn't have to rock the boat once today. Well, almost.
M.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Berkley baby yeah!

Berkley
Berkley,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
In honor of Marty Cronin, here is a picture of me with the trophy I won at Berkely. He let me live it up for the entire next day and then we got in a HUGE argument. Thanks Mr. Cronin for caring, and for that last night in Berekely which we all promised not to talk about so you wouldn't lose your job. Gina eventually got over the hangover, right?
M.

Goodbye Norma Jean...

I can't begin to tell you how sad I am right this second. I just found out that my high school debate coach died after a battle with a brain tumor. Marty Cronin was one of the good guys and the world -- especially that half world of high school-- is a darker place because he isn't in it.
Mr. Cronin once said to me-- after I had come up with some totally ridiculous argument that I couldn't see was ridiculous-- "Michelle, some day I am going to hear a very loud pop and that will be the sound of your head coming out of your ass." I actually treasured that statement simply because it was so outrageous for a teacher to use that language with a student, but he was right. He called it like he saw it and I deserved it. I last saw Mr. Cronin right before I graduated from college in 1999. I had driven down to Gardnerville to judge one of his tournaments and we were chatting in the judges room. I told him about my plans-- bright eyed and unjaded-- and he was proud of me. You could see it. And I treasured that he cared about me even 4 years after I had passed out of his life, and out of his school. Underneath his exterior Mr. Cronin genuinely cared about a lot of things.

Marty Cronin was sarcastic, and brilliant and one of the best teachers I have ever seen. His grasp of politics, history, and social events was amazing and he could TALK about anything. He taught me quite a few lessons, and I value every one of them.

Rommy-- I am so sorry. No one gets what they deserve. If they did you and Mr. Cronin would own a tropical paradise with bright, interested young minds to teach and your children to play with and no crap like brain tumors, or strokes, or embolisms, or pain. You both deserved that.
I keep part of your husband in my heart and so do many, many of his students. He is the reason I'm working to be part of the mentor program at my office. He is the reason my degree was in history. He was the reason I pulled my head out of the fog it was in and got my shit together at the end of high school. He was wonderful.
I am so sad I can't even begin to tell you.
Talk hard, think fast, when in doubt B.S.
M.

Some of the best things

You know what is fun?

Cooking dinner with someone else while talking and laughing.

Watching someone you like when they don't know you're looking, but not in a scary stalker way.

Waking up from a nightmare to have someone wrap their arms around you even though they are sound asleep and don't know you are terrified.

Telling someone your weird dreams over breakfast.

Yep. I'm screwed.
M.

Monday, February 21, 2005

Ross for Mom

B-Day Party  01-22-05 014
B-Day Party 01-22-05 014,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
Here is a great shot of Ross from my birthday. As a mother, I am sure you don't have enough goofy shots of him. Don't worry, he doesn't drink much.

In case she checks:

HI MOM!
Hi Lisa!
Hi husky dogs!
( hi joe)

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain

So I wanted to say that my meltdown earlier in the week regarding that guy I'm seeing was more about me then anything.

It made me realize a few things:
1. I don't trust anybody, for a wide variety of good reasons; but still, how limiting is that?
2. If something isn't explicitly spelled out for me I tend not to see it. He communicates his emotions indirectly which is almost like he's speaking another language to me. He does actually like me, think I have valuable things to say, and wants to share his days with me.
3. Hormones are vicious things.
4. I want to make something work with this guy for the foreseeable next few months, which is about how far I'm looking ahead. I want it so much it terrifies me, and not in a good way like a roller coaster. In a way that makes me want to cut off all human contact so I never feel it again.
5. Right now, I'm going to abandon self protection mode and go naked in the rain so to speak. The only way to have meaninful relationships is to make yourself vulnerable. Sometimes it doesn't work but mainly it does.

If another freak out occurs. Please refer me back to my own words here. Unless of course that freak out is totally reasonable and justified.
M.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Commence cutting off of thumbs now

I made it almost a full 24 hours before sending Sailor Boy a text message.

Seriously, life was easier when I wasn't dating.
M.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Never underestimate the value of a quickie

Not so sure about this whole driving out into the desert to drive motorcycles in the rain while consuming large quantities of beer idea that Sailor Boy has put into execution.

Do however know that I might have to chop off my hands to keep from calling him on his cell during his boys play in the mud weekend.

Lunch rocked-- and if you don't know why all the clues you need are on this page.

I'm going out to royally suck at pool playing this evening and drink a little too much.

In other news one week until Krys gets her with her monster girl and her "whatever he is" Trey. Rock and roll.

M.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Rub it the fuck in lady

so Shirley from the theater just called to thank me for coming out and to try again next time.

Rub it in lady, and while you are at it put some salt in it.

GROWL.
M.

It's not always about me...

Maria is snorting right now at how long it has taken me to learn that the title of this post is true.

Sailor Boy to his own detriment was kind and listened and offered advice and cuddled last night when I was feeling pretty damn low. His detriment because we stayed up late and he got up for work at 5am. Subsequently so did I. I will need a nap around 3.
Whatever he had going on this week had nothing to do with me and as much as I hate a person who internalizes everything and doesn't vent -- as he told me last night, nobody is perfect all the time. I'll deal with it.

I have no idea if he even reads this blog. He could theoretically since he checks out my flickr page and the link is right on my profile.

My audition went fine, it was how nervous, almost paralyzed with fear I was the entire time that was not cool with me. Who was that masked man Batman? The things I will do in the future to change the paralyization are:
1. prepare a godamn monologue
2. read the freaking play before auditioning.
3. audition on the first night not the second so I can be in a clique not just watch them.
4. Remember that it is not all about me.

I have a feeling number 4 might be my mantra for awhile.
M.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

She'll be very clean, very hot, and very ready for you.

This title of this post shows how out of hand a little work/email flirtation can get.

Backstory:
today I got winked at on Match by this girl:

So i send that link to my sailor boy because I thought he would find is amusing and a little bit sexy.

The next thing I know our conversation involves him arranging a threesome.

How in the hell do I get into these things? And no the threesome isn't with the blonde chick--I'm way more into brunettes.
M.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Super Fantastic Greeting Card Day!

Flowers from my Sailor Boy
Flowers from my Sailor Boy,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
This holiday is more commercial than Christmas. Thank god he fell for it and sent me these. I'm a sucker.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Guarded

so my boy has a castle around him.

And i'm standing out side of it, without my armor, and no weapons hoping he lets me in.

I think I'm crazy.
M.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Present! 001

Present! 001
Present! 001,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
This is the doll Steve got me in case I never end up with a man. He even talks. My favorite saying is:
"Do you like the new aromatherapy candles I bought for you yesterday?"
Because clearly Mr. Perfect is a meterosexual with a young republicans sense of style and haircut.

Present! 003

Present! 003
Present! 003,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
Jack is deciding if my Mr. Perfect doll makes the cut-- the only way to truly know a man-- by sniffing his crotch.

WTF?

OK-- so I just saw a bumper sticker that said:
" If Mary had been pro-choice there wouldn't be a Christmas."

That is so wrong on so many levels. It assumes that every woman with a choice would CHOOSE an abortion. I think that really is what drives the Christian Right in their anti abortion campaign. The fear that someone they know and love would make that choice themselves. Or even, if they had a choice they might choose to do something different. If there isn't a plethora of options then you can steer people the way you want them to go by limiting them.

So when you give people a choice you have to be willing to deal with what they choose.

Huh, god didn't seem to have any problem with that when he gave us free will. Perhaps all the anti-abortion activists should consider that.

Out on the town

So I had a most excellent dinner last night and I got to sit in a hot tub all with a hot guy who treats me well and thinks that I am amazing.

I'm not sure, but I think right now hell is freezing over.

If you see a pig flying while you are out check your review mirror for the four horsemen of the apoclypse.

To balance the universe out it feels like I'm getting a cold. Maybe armegeddon isn't here quite yet.

M.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Suck it Dog!

Ok dog-- you, who kept me up last night by constantly running all over the room and then whining when there was nothing earthly wrong with you, cut that the fuck out! I'm over it and so are the circles under my eyes.

I don't know why I keep you.
M.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Dan's Dollar

Dan's Dollar
Dan's Dollar,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
This is the dollar I won from Dan over the Superbowl. I'm putting it up so he can visit it.

The weirdness of integrating someone new

So I really like that guy-- the navy guy-- the REBUBLICAN.
But he's taking too much of my brain space up, and he wants to take care of me which I clearly can't allow because then when we break up I will miss him functionally as well as emotionally.

I once asked someone if midwestern values were what god rewarded them with for being in an essentially flat place? At the time I thought I was witty and cynical and the epitome of "cool." Really I was being a jerk because my impression of the midwest based on The Sailor is that they are just genuinely nice people who think that helping someone is something you should do-- not something you try to avoid.

So we will stumble through this integration phase to see where and if we fit while trying to take care of eachother. Cause if I don't take care of him he won't want me anymore.

There is nothing like a new person bumping into your established life to make you clearly see the insidious ideas you have preying on your mind.

Off to bed sleepyhead.
M.


Monday, February 07, 2005

Winning a dollar and learning about encroachment in football

So I'll post a picture of the dollar I won yesterday while watching the first Super Bowl game I have ever enjoyed.
I watched it with a guy who is pretty damn cool despite his taste in country music and his affinity for white tennis shoes with all of his outfits.
He was patient and kind and explained things really well-- which is good since he's a teacher for the Navy and for once I actually got a few of those impossibly silly little rules football appears to have.

I'm pretty excited to have him as a possibility, even if he is a --GASP-- republican.
I guess if Maria is a republican Dan can be a republican.

M.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Appetite for Destruction 2

Shoes 002
Shoes 002,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
This is what my new favorite shoes looked like after Maggie got to them. She had to climb the furniture to do it.

Appetite for Destruction 1

Shoes 001
Shoes 001,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
These are my new favorite shoes. Comfortable, very stylish, leather, designer, and seasonally good through the summer at least.