Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Why Blog Anyway?

So when discussing this site with someone they asked me if it was mainly for me, why was it public?

My answer has lots to do with the essential nature of my personality. I tried a lot growing up to keep a diary. I tried over and over again. I could never get over the fact that I wrote as if someday someone would read my thoughts and judge me. The reason a blog appeals to me is that could actually happen. By forcing the issue I come to terms with the idea that no one cares and that is ok too. Not only do I not get judged, but my ego is faced with the idea that I am not the center of the universe.

It's like I have a very very small voice in cyber space and there are lots of opportunities to get over looked. Most of my life being over looked was the worst thing ever. I did everything I could do to keep myself the center of attention of whatever galaxy I was currently inhabiting.

I found that part of my nature distasteful in many ways. The need to stir up trouble, the constant thought that bad attention is better than no attention, the part of me that seethes when someone else shines for even a second. I want those parts to go away. I want them to be subsumed by my basic good nature and absorbed into something useful or at least harmless like this blog.

Plus as added bonuses I get to vent whitout anyone actually having to listen, I can work to make myself transparent like cellophane with minimal risk so that when it is important in a relationship to do so with risk I feel safer in doing it, and it makes me a better writer-- a skill I am sorely lacking.

So here I am the center of attention in my own way. Noticing I have no fan club and being totally fine with it. And I didn't have to rock the boat once today. Well, almost.
M.

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