Wednesday, March 30, 2005

How to Charm Me

Get slightly intoxicated over the phone and tell me exactly what you would do to me, right that very minute, if I were your neighbor. I wish I were your neighbor.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Please hold...

Last Day of Mogget 010
Last Day of Mogget 010,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
So after much holding the San Diego County Humane Society let me know that two sets of people are in the process of adopting Molly. I'm crying as I write this out of both happiness and sadness. Happy for my little Molly-girl and sadness for me. No chance I can change my mind now.
Hopefully when I call back next week they can tell me what kind of home she has gone to.

Of all my friends and lovers...

It's been awhile since the earth shattering breakup of 2004. Well the earth didn't shatter as I expected it too, but my heart did in some final way that I am only now completely understanding.
But after discussing our current relationships on the phone and communicating in the same way we perfected over the course 9 years; and realizing that we are finally growing irrevocably apart, I wanted to take the time to write all the nice things down I could think of about you and all the things I miss so much it still makes me want to cry even though I would do the Bataan Death March before I would get back together with you.

Becasue there were so many of them, please, do not consider this list definitive.
1. You are one of the smartest people I know.
2. You are so funny that it hurts. I mean literally, sometimes you make me laugh so hard that the muscles in my cheeks scream out in pain-- like that time at Curque Du Soliel, remember?
3. We were exactly the right kind of silly together when no one else was around. I could use some level 3 and no one else will ever do it right.
4. You were so affectionate that you might have spoiled me forever to "normal men". Note: I am not sure there is such a thing as a normal man.
5. You were damn good in bed and I'll bet if we ever did it again you could reclaim your crown as the best sex of my life.
6. You were never open but you talked so much it was ok. You are open now and I am glad to know that you learned how being closed up freaks women out. I wish you could have learned that with me instead of from me, but at least you made progress.
7. You knew me, you got me, you enjoyed me, and you loved me. I knew you loved me, which is what made your constant betrayals so hurtful. Through it all I have never doubted that you would come if I called in the middle of the night and told you I was in a Balinese Jail and could you cause an international incident to get me out? I'm smiling thinking of the international incident you would cause.
8. You are one of the most generous people that I know.
9. You are handsome, if a geek, and now that you dress better I think things are looking up.
10. I will probably regret our "missed opportunity" forever.

I know the last year has been hard for both of us, good, but hard. I just wanted you to know, I still appreciate you and I would still move the moon for you. ( See how much the little sheep loves the big sheep?)

Saturday, March 26, 2005

How to Annoy Me

Kiss my neck like you did last night and then let me walk out of your house as if you didn't want me.

c'mon and step up.

Friday, March 25, 2005

How to Charm Me

Pretend you are sleepy so I'll get motivated and give you a blow job to wake you up. You aren't fooling anybody Mr. Man.

And for the record-- you so sing along to the radio.

How to Annoy Me

Call me a lazy fucking bitch when I have worked my butt off for you for almost 4 months.

You know who you are.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Never go to bed angry

UPDATE: DONE WITH THE SEETHING. Everything in life deserves multiple chances. Plus make up sex is slightly better then break up sex. Not as good as hotel sex though.

UPDATE: back to seething. We can be done now. I'll wave the white flag like Dido never would.

So that is the advice of a ton of couples in movies where old couples give advice. You know the movies I mean? Anything with Meg Ryan in her cute phase usually has something like that.

Well last night I went to bed seething. The why and wherefores would cripple my fingers if I typed them all out.

Unfortunately or fortunately I only woke up irritated. Still, I thought it would be gone and it's not.

Stupid chick flicks. Why are they always right?


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

How to Annoy Me *

Pop wheelies in front of my vehicle while going 70 mph south on Fairmont Ave. If my car hits your mangled body I will have to get it washed again. ( the car, not the body.)

* concept stolen from and credited to Dooce.

mogget update

Molly has cleared the medical inspection at the humane society but her behavorial evaluation has not yet been completed. So either she was more bonded to me than they thought, they are behind, or there is something wrong. Poor little girl. The world must seem pretty scary for her right now.

Monday, March 21, 2005

When do you decide to cut your losses?

Have you ever noticed that life is complicated?

I have a guy, and I'm in. I could really make something with him. If he would open up. But he doesn't. It's a thing. Majorly a thing. His eyes tell me he is into me. His thoughtfulness and his touching base seem to imply that he thinks of me when I'm not around. But he is abrubt and unreadable and since I have to rely on his non verbal clues to figure out what is going on in his head, I am frequently assuming the worst. Now, I have a habit of assuming the worst and I'll own up to it. But still, how hard is it to say, " I like you a lot."???

And then there is another guy, don't know him beyond emails, and he strikes me as insincere. I hate insincere but his compliments and our instant "click" make me think maybe he could be a thing. If we both didn't have other people we were so into. So I tell the new guy go away, call me when your life is less complicated and maybe I'll pick up. But he doesn't, taking no for an answer is not his thing. I'm not into screwing up the good if messy thing I have for the insincerity of the compliments, even though I love that he can tell me what he thinks of me. Or at least what he thinks I want to hear.

How much thinking until my brain melts down? I'd speed the process along if only to have some quiet space in my head. There used to be quiet space when I wasn't dating. There was certainty and time for yoga and focus on work.

So when do I decide that there is too much going on and cut my losses? When do I get my equilibrium back? If the first guy could open up would that do it? That is my first choice.

If the second guy could prove to be sincere would that do it? Or then would I be forced to make a complicated decision?

There are no answers in this post-- just more questions. There is no quiet space here either.


Sunday, March 20, 2005

Mogget Retrospective

Last Day of Mogget 002
Last Day of Mogget 002,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
So, last Saturday I took Molly to the humane society so that she can find a family with no other dogs and no small children.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She was terrified and she so clearly looked to me to provide her with some comfort. I am not the comfort provider for anything but my dogs. No kids, no boyfriend, no one in my family and I feel like I failed her.

When Neil and I were finally done I felt like I had failed. As if, by trying harder and working more diligently, I could have made something that was broken a long time ago come back to life.

That is how I felt about Molly, I knew this was the right thing to do and yet I feel like if I had given her more time and attention I could have kept her from hiding behind the refrigerator for an entire day or from peeing in my kitchen.

It is hard to feel like you failed and to have it hanging over you with no real end in sight. But I wanted to say that I loved that little dog even when she was weird and I miss her every day.

How to Charm Me

Make me breakfast while singing along to the radio.

I'm so easily pleased.


Saturday, March 19, 2005

When you sleep, what do you dream about?

You sleep in the bed like a small mountain range. You shoulder rises and blocks my view of the room, your leg curled over a pillow or over me. I love to curl up behind you and trace the contours of your skin with my eyes. Your shoulders are broad and your waist dips in before the curve of your hip rises again. When I wake up and your back is to me I usually look at you for about 10 minutes before moving. Those 10 minutes are some of the longest of my life becasue my hands cry out to feel the muscles in your back and the suppleness of your skin. I have never wanted to consistently touch every inch of a person the way I want to touch you. I can never make it without touching you, I could never get up and leave without seeing if you will touch me back. But doing that is like rousing a dragon or a dinosaur or some other mythological beast that seems to not notice you until you make them and then you are trapped.

Your arms are long and heavy and they pin me to the bed, all tenderness and strength. Sometimes you cup one of my breasts and randomly squeeze it while you are dreaming. You think you don't, but you do. I love knowing you could pin me to the bed and take whatever you wanted. I would be helpless before you with an open heart if you would let me.

When you are really asleep you tuck your face in the back of my neck and breathe your hot breath on my skin. Until you start to snore I treasure this. It is like feeling your heartbeat, feeling the proof of your life next to mine while my eyes get heavy and my body relaxes into the rhythm of your breathing. You are the only person I know who can go to sleep faster than I can.

I find you beautiful, I find you funny, I love to just hang with you without feeling the pressure of being entertaining or "on." I would trust you to take care of me, and lean into your caring, careful nature.

The fact you have been hurt makes me want to hurt that other woman. I won't be responsible formy actions if I ever met her. Fucking Cunt.

My hard candy shell is only to disguise that I would soothe you and listen to you and rage with you if you would let me.

Don't tell me that you don't dream. You whisper and move and sometimes cry out in your sleep. That is the time when I know you are a person I could love, if you would let me.

Thursday, March 17, 2005


originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
So click the photo to go to my flickr page and see the rest. All of Vegas in in a set on the left side of the page.


To sleep, perchance to dream

So my racuous Vegas convention schedule has come to an end. I learned many things.
  • I learned that I can drink about 9 mixed drinks, without being too drunk to navigate a casino and get myself to bed. I also learned that after 9 drinks I do not have the coordination to take my shoes off at said bed, or pull down the covers.
  • I learned that sleep is a luxury that I am only now not taking for granted but it is possible for me to go over 24 hours without having so much as a nap. At the end of the 27th hour I will become completely hysterical at airports while bickering with Jeremy Hirsch.
  • I learned I am a damn hot dancer and the world better watch out. (modest too)
  • I learned that VIP is the way to go.
  • I learned to pack flat shoes for walking around at the convention and save the sexy mama shoes for the evenings out.
  • I learned that it is possible to find interesting people everywhere and that it would be the best thing ever if I were as friendly as Denyce.

Pictures above.

Friday, March 11, 2005


What specifically is it about a man in a uniform?

Sailor Boy had duty last night on base and when he was done at 7am we met for breakfast. I would have prefered to have him rather than the french toast.

His winter uniform is black with long sleeves, he has ribbons and special pins marking his achievements and a name tag with his name and instructor of the year on it. He says he hates that name tag but I know he secretly loves it. LOVES IT.

The same way I not- so- secretly loved him in his uniform. Clearly he cannot be allowed out of the house in that thing.

But he says I can wear one of his white hats. How freaking cute would that be?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Not listening

So, it might be said I am good at talking. I can ramble on, prepare a speech off the top of my head, put together a presentation on the fly and teach anything I understand to anyone.

Why then, am I so bad at hearing things?

Why do I substiute words, phrases and intent when "listening"?

So after a lot of thought, trying to take my fears out of it, here is what I should have heard, in retrospect...

I'm not ready for a commitment and I'm maintaning my presence on just to keep that line open. You have to be ok with that. The de facto truth is we spend lots of time together and I'm not really seeing anyone else. Give me space and time.

That is my best guess at intent and hopefully I'm not too far off.


Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Joint Locking with the Grand Master

Is the title of the post above:
a) something my brother Kevin does
b) a weird breakdance with member of the SugarHill Gang
c) an eastern style alterniative medicine akin to accupuncture?

Those who answer this question correctly will get an autographed picture of their choice from my flickr photostream.

In other news,

I had the most fabulous time with Krys and Kayla and Trey this weekend. Everyone should go to the Natural History Museum's exhibit about chocolate. Something I learned while there:
The demand for sugar became so pronounced because of the discovery of Chocolate in Europe that it was a huge contributor of slavery in the Americas. How's that for taking the sweet out of your favorite treat?

I found it hilarous that when Krys referred to Neil in her post on her live Journal she just called him "the person who introduced me and Michelle." How's that for putting you in your place Neilder?

A Miller Lite beer has 120 calories per bottle. If you should happen to drink almost two cases over the course of your weekend you end up both dehydrated and bloated. That is 5,670 calories. How's that for the healthiest diet ever?

It is Wednesday and today I am hanging with Nate G, and his mother. Going to get stretched in Pilates, climbing some rock walls just for fun and then cooking dinner for my Sailor Boy. How's that for a kickass day?


Sunday, March 06, 2005

And I want life and every word to the extent that it's absurd.

Wow-- too much going on. Dogs don't know who I am. Never home, limited working out this week, no time to myself.

Sailor Boy-- still having a good time. We are *GASP* planning a vacation together from May 7th through May 13. It will either be the death of our relationship or the making of one. Either way-- watch out Puerta Vallarta.

Krys, Kayla, Trey-- here now, leaving this afternoon, rocking my face off they are so much fun. Krys has finally picked a good one. *Crosses fingers, turns around three times and does a little superstitious dance for Krys.*

Work doing good. Bane of my existence coming to an end. Thank Mother F*cking God! New listing today? Why am I blogging instead of working?

On that note. More later, with photos.


Friday, March 04, 2005

Stupidly, Ridiculously, Silly Happy

Not sure how I got so lucky. But the title of this post is how I feel.

Good things in my life:
My job kicks ass.
Maria Tomcek Ginsburg the bestest friend ever and a wonderful mother.
My friend Krys, who is driving down 8 hours tonight to see me for the weekend. We are going to have SO MUCH FUN!
MY SAILOR BOY despite the fact he brought up the shrub before I had finished my toast this morning. He makes me smile and laugh and he makes my toes curl on a regular basis. What more could a girl want?

I'm pretty freaking lucky. I don't want the universe to think I'm taking it for granted.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Brand New Colony

I'll still be here. Doesn't matter where you end up.

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Six Degrees of Jealousy

So I slept on it. Just to clarify my thoughts. It didn't go away.

I still don't think that asking the questions I asked was out of line. Had I done the thing you thought I would, I would have been out of line. But I didn't.
Just because I get jealous doesn't mean that somewhere down the line I'll tell you you can't see women who are friends.

That just isn't me. It never has been, even when I knew I was being lied to. If I had been that girl maybe I wouldn't have spent 10 years getting walked on. But I kept putting someone else's needs and wants above my own. That is the girl I am, deep down.

But since I get jealous, have no security, and aren't in a committed relationship my right to protect myself by asking a few questions isn't going to get set aside. Deal with it.

We aren't to the place where I trust you automatically. You say trust needs to be earned. Well then answer my few questions, and earn it. Getting freaked out because I asked you two questions about your realtionship with Danielle isn't any more reasonable. What you are afraid of happening may never materialize, so don't assume it will. I'm already dropping that assumption about you.