Thursday, April 28, 2005

How to Charm Me

Be the last piece of cold pizza in my fridge. You were the only edible food left in my house. Now you are in my tum. YUM.

I need to go to the grocery store. Mandarin Absolut and a package of sliced mushrooms doesn't make a meal.

M.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Nuh Uh!

Go Here.

The internet will allow for anyone to form a group. Mainly I think that is a great thing, but in this case, not so much.

M.

How to Annoy Me

Get in the elevator with me talking about how sick you are.

Don't you know that germs are contagious?

Bitch.

M.

How to Charm and Annoy Me

Call me on Monday night to tell me we have to get all dressed up Saturday morning and get Medieval on someones ass. Don't you know I need a costume?

On the other hand-- yay for hanging out with you and Mosey!

M.

Monday, April 25, 2005

How to Annoy Me

Have a garage filled with spiders.

Seriously, I feel like I'm covered in bugs.

M.

Getting Committed

Maria,
I know that you are having a hard time. I was on the phone when you walked into his room and heard him screaming in the background.

You know what else I heard?

The way his wails dialed back the second he heard you, the way he tried to stop crying for his mama.

You are an amazing mother-- no matter if it is making you crazy and stressed. You handle it with grace and poise and strength.

This is just another way you lead by example.

M.

Losing a Jack

My dog Jack weighs 27 pounds. In November of 2003 I weighed 175 and now I weigh 148. That is a loss of 27 pounds. I didn't see the correlations between the two until last night. I lost a Jack.

For the record, Jack is fat. He is not just a little bit big, he is FAT. When you pick him up it is surprising how heavy he is. "OOOF, Jack you are heavy."

I was carrying around that every day? holy shit. I must have been a total cow.

Never again.

M.

Friday, April 22, 2005

OK: Another Match.com update

Most promising candidate amongst the Match.com ranks in a long time is this man.

Also,
less promising candidate include:

SuperDooperDude-- the huge amazingly big guy who probably has a very tiny penis due to his obvious steriod use. In addition to that he was such a winner that he refer to women as fruit. IE:
"I approach the dating scene in the same way I shop for vegetables: I look for the qualities I like, check to make sure they're not spoiled, make sure their not too deeply bruised by some clumbsy-dude who pawed over them before me, and if all checks out, I make room for them in my basket. Anything weird or smelly gets left behind for a less choosey type."

This ANGRY ANGRY MAN who in response to to a question I asked him about where he had been and what he enjoyed seeing there said:
"Prague was a highlight. Sort of like one of those perfectly preserved little hill towns only on an absolutely mind blowing scale, and filled with bizarre curiosities. And there was the Parco Guell in Barcelona with all this strange Gaudi architecture like the inside of a cave or something. Or maybe it was the giant 2000 year old Hagia Sophia church in Istanbul all lit up on a balmy night with little the seagulls swirling around it.God that used to be my life, I go nuts just thinking about it."
See, we were good until the last sentence.

Then there is the recently divorced Navy guy. Holy baggage. Dan told me that lots of Navy men get Dear John letters while being out to sea. This guy's divorce was final 5 months before he was done with deployment. I'm sure he doesn't have any baggage.

On the other hand there is this man:

This guy seems pretty cool. I hope he emails me back. He actually reads which means I could talk about books with him plus he's writing a childrens book whcih sounds so cool I don't even know what to say about it.

All Sailors, All the Time: A Match.com Update

OK, I don't get it. It was engineers and I'm still getting my fair share of them. But now the majority of my winks/emails are coming from Navy boys and Marine Jarheads.

What did you do to me Sailor Boy? Is there some invisible sign I have now that only service men can see?

M.

Thursday, April 21, 2005

Seymour

Walrus
Walrus,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.
So when I was a little girl, my favorite animal show at Sea World was the sea lion and walrus show. The show consisted of a "haunted mansion" and a walrus named Seymour and various sea lions and otters that solved a crime while doing tricks. There was various hokey music silly costumes and the walrus wore a bowler hat, which surprisingly, didn't seem to bother him.

I noticed today that Jack looks just like Seymour from the side. At least his breath isn't as bad. But he'd never wear a bowler hat.
M.

How to Charm and Annoy Me

Blame me for the fact you drank too much beer. I didn't see myself holding a funnel.

M.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

How to Charm Me

Sleep on my cold feet with all your fuzzy fatness while I watch TV. You rock dog.
M.

Monday, April 18, 2005

The difference between love and sex

So at my age my sex drives starts to ramp up. Just ask my slightly older friend Denyce.

and couple that with the loss of my only sexual outlet in the loss of Sailor Boy-- who was definitely the best sex of my life-- and you have a very very grumpy Michelle.

Who can't see straight.

I'm not sure what I miss most about Dan-- we're still friends, and I do miss the way he held me in the middle of the night and the way that he made me breakfast in the morning. But mainly I miss the f*cking. And I think I can only see him in public places for awhile, just so I don't have to sit on my hands to keep from molesting him.

Sorry Mom if you are reading this.
M.

Hey Jealousy

There is nothing like looking across the table at a man you used to adore passionately while he gets a backrub from his current girlfriend, and feel nothing but concern that she's ok with you being there.

and yet,
when he said casually " she'll be home at ..." I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

Emotions make no sense whatsoever.
M.

Saturday, April 16, 2005

How to Annoy Me

Go out the night before you have to work all day and drink yourself silly and have to sleep you your friend Steve's couch. Damn idiot.
M.

Friday, April 15, 2005

U.S. Government

So my passport just came-- and all I can think is:

"damn! I'm stuck with that picture for 10 years?"

on the upside though they sent back my old passport so I could keep the few stamps I had managed to collect, and my first passport photo was infinitely worse.

All legal and everything-- now I just need someplace to go.
M.

I can tell you taste like the sky becasue you look like rain

Bonus points to anyone at all who knows where that lyric came from.

So it is now officially 1/3 through the year. Time to check in with my silly resolutions and see how I am doing.
1. Finish the kitchen remodeling project I started last year-- I mean really how hard can it be to paint for chrissakes?
Not too hard-- this is not done yet but it will prolly be done within the next 2 months.

2. Make my bed most days.
Ha! right.

3. See more shows. Plays, Music, Comedy etc. Why do I live in a city if I don't take advantage of it?
I did sign up for the summer pops series. Definite progress.

4. Achieve professional goals. (Set out between Maria and I.) I'm also making it a goal to not talk about work here too much. I really hope that leaves me with something to talk about.

Well I seem to have enough to talk about. Work is going well Goal is to achieve presidents circle this year.

5. Go on vacation for at least 2 weeks this year. See goal 4 for the money to be able to do this.
Ok I'm back sliding on this one. I had a vacation and now I don't. I'm thinking Austrlia and New Zealand in the fall. Octoberish.

Wow-- I didn't really set very hard goals did I? I could feel like a bad person for that but instead I think I am going to go to work and make sure the easy goals I set get achieved.

M.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

How to Charm Me

Love my dog Jack.

M.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

PROS AND CONS

So I officially have no one to go to Puerta Vallarta with.
I have two choices: Go alone or cancel the trip. Clearly a list needs to be made:

Pro Going alone:
1. Nicole has a friend down there I can meet.
2. I've never been on vacation alone.
3. It could be a really big adventure
4. I might meet some really nice people.

Cons for going alone:
1. I would have to be really cautious about who I met and hung out with.
2. I might get really lonely without anyone to share fun things with.
3. If something happened to me no one would know for days.
4. It makes me feel pretty damn lame that I can't GIVE away a trip to Puerta Vallarta.

Pros for staying:
1.The cost of the hotel would recarpet my bedroom and stairs
2. I could focus on work during the busy season.
3. I'm already going to missouri for 4 days in May which will NOT be a vacation but a high stress thing but it would be more time from work.
4. Maria and I would be able to pull the garage sale off without a hitch.

Cons for staying:
1. I can always work. It never ends.
2. I really wanted to go on vacation.
3. Yeah I can't think of any more.


Whatever. I'll sleep on it. Fucking men anyway.
M.

Aftermath

I've wrapped my mind around it. It doesn't even really hurt-- just stings a little. But I have a bad feeling I'm going to miss the idea of the person more than the person. I really liked being in some sort of realtionship, with possibilites and hope. I liked thinking I could have someone to care about who would take care of me.

So here I am compulsively checking my email, and feeling like an idiot when there is nothing there. Of course there is nothing there. At least I'm not emailing him. At least I'm not pathetic. I'm just alone, a condition I find highly unsatisfactory but bearable. I was alone a lot last year. There is no reason I can't be that way again. Even if it isn't my natural state of being. Because it isn't. I require people and fun and love and laughter. I REQUIRE them. Accept no substitutes.

A few more days and I probably won't be checking my email for him. A few more days and I won't give him a second thought. Right?

Right. Fake it until you make it baby. All the way.

Thanks to Steve-- for last night, for my ice cream and cigarettes and wine and dinner and for being there. Thanks too for giving him his break up nickname. The all purpose "idiot boy" was unfair. But "squid boy"? Now that has a certain panache.

M.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Baggage

You could pack for a European Tour in the bags under my eyes. Seriously.

I knew something was wrong, I knew it. All the non verbal clues told me. And then I get the email...

"I like you, you are a great girl and we have lots of fun together and I don't want that to end... but I'm just not feeling an emotional connection with you and I don't know what to do about it."

So I did it for him. He said he wasn't expecting it but, really, how can I have done anything else? He said that I did everything right and that I was great but I didn't give him that "feeling" in the pit of his stomach. How can you argue with that?

Given my track record he'll probably go off and be incredibly emotionally available for his next girl who he will adore and they will live happily ever after.

I guess I'm just the training ground. Not the real thing. That is all the self pity I can put in writing but it's there, because I am hurting. HURTING.

I can't have done anything different. But when he went to hug me as I left, I wanted to kill him. HOW DARE HE THINK HE CAN COMFORT ME? I always felt the same way when Neil told me how wonderful I was and how some great person was waiting for me just around the corner-- someone I deserved. People never get what they deserve. So cut out the bullshit and realize that to try and comfort me, or make me feel better, or tell me how great I am is to just underscore the giant "but I still don't want you" that hangs after the nice gesture. You make it worse. By hurting me you have relinquished the right to comfort me. You have given up your place as the person I trust and would come to for anything.

I must have grown out of hating people once they hurt me, I couldn't summon it this morning when the sun was rising and I lay in bed with tears trickling down my face. I wanted anger and hate and fury. That will get me somewhere, that at least, is not this pathetic crying girl.

I remember the look on my mothers face when Paul dumped me. I cried to her "but he said he loved me" with all the naivete of a 16 year old girl. And she looked so sorry for me as my heart was breaking and she comforted me. At least Dan never said he loved me and I kind of want my mommy.
M.

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Why did curiosity kill the cat?

So I'm starting to feel like I have all the initiative. I'm moving forward with us and I have no idea where you are. When I maintain my momentum I can kind of sweep people along. I'm forceful to say the least.

So I suppose I should back off. But that is something I am afraid of doing. I am afraid if I let go of my momentum you won't take us anywhere. But if you are just being swept along by me, I guess we shouldn't be together anyway. I hate being motivated by fear. It is a weak and lame place to work from. Fear is something I cannot allow in my life.

So, it's your turn. You can't tell me your feelings, so I'm going to wait and see if your actions speak louder than words. It's not a test or a game. I haven't the patience for that. But you will be telling me something if I don't hear from you for a few days. You will be speaking very loudly then.

Besides, I'm curious to see how long it takes before you realize I'm not calling, writing, etc.
M.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Dead Sexy / Dead Tired

I'm dragging, too much margarita, too much sex, not enough sleep.

Do I really care? Hell No.

Do I wish I were still in bed with you, warm and comfortable? Hell yes.

You made me love you last night. Just a little. I want that feeling back. Is there anything better than the feeling of caring for someone else? Of feeling like your heart is going to explode with joy at the connection you have made, even for one little instant? I want that, again and again. I'm not going to stop until I have someone to take care of and love. And pat him and feed him and name him george.

Off to work.
M.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Rule Breaker / Rule Follower

When I was in Las Vegas the founder of our company got up and introduced one of his best friends from childhood as a "character builder." He said it was important to recognize the people who you knew that enriched your character.

Maria Tomcek enriches my character every day. She leads by example rather than by demand. She has taught me the value of "done", she reiterates everyday that the only thing of value a person has is their integrity, she supports me unequivocally-- even when she thinks that I am crazy, she demands excellence from me when I would slack and she counsels me when I lose my way. When I am old and someone asks me who influenced my life. Her name is on the short list.

I am blessed with the people I have in my life, but meeting Maria and becoming her friend is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I appreciate it every day.
M.