Tuesday, April 12, 2005


I've wrapped my mind around it. It doesn't even really hurt-- just stings a little. But I have a bad feeling I'm going to miss the idea of the person more than the person. I really liked being in some sort of realtionship, with possibilites and hope. I liked thinking I could have someone to care about who would take care of me.

So here I am compulsively checking my email, and feeling like an idiot when there is nothing there. Of course there is nothing there. At least I'm not emailing him. At least I'm not pathetic. I'm just alone, a condition I find highly unsatisfactory but bearable. I was alone a lot last year. There is no reason I can't be that way again. Even if it isn't my natural state of being. Because it isn't. I require people and fun and love and laughter. I REQUIRE them. Accept no substitutes.

A few more days and I probably won't be checking my email for him. A few more days and I won't give him a second thought. Right?

Right. Fake it until you make it baby. All the way.

Thanks to Steve-- for last night, for my ice cream and cigarettes and wine and dinner and for being there. Thanks too for giving him his break up nickname. The all purpose "idiot boy" was unfair. But "squid boy"? Now that has a certain panache.



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