Monday, April 11, 2005

Baggage

You could pack for a European Tour in the bags under my eyes. Seriously.

I knew something was wrong, I knew it. All the non verbal clues told me. And then I get the email...

"I like you, you are a great girl and we have lots of fun together and I don't want that to end... but I'm just not feeling an emotional connection with you and I don't know what to do about it."

So I did it for him. He said he wasn't expecting it but, really, how can I have done anything else? He said that I did everything right and that I was great but I didn't give him that "feeling" in the pit of his stomach. How can you argue with that?

Given my track record he'll probably go off and be incredibly emotionally available for his next girl who he will adore and they will live happily ever after.

I guess I'm just the training ground. Not the real thing. That is all the self pity I can put in writing but it's there, because I am hurting. HURTING.

I can't have done anything different. But when he went to hug me as I left, I wanted to kill him. HOW DARE HE THINK HE CAN COMFORT ME? I always felt the same way when Neil told me how wonderful I was and how some great person was waiting for me just around the corner-- someone I deserved. People never get what they deserve. So cut out the bullshit and realize that to try and comfort me, or make me feel better, or tell me how great I am is to just underscore the giant "but I still don't want you" that hangs after the nice gesture. You make it worse. By hurting me you have relinquished the right to comfort me. You have given up your place as the person I trust and would come to for anything.

I must have grown out of hating people once they hurt me, I couldn't summon it this morning when the sun was rising and I lay in bed with tears trickling down my face. I wanted anger and hate and fury. That will get me somewhere, that at least, is not this pathetic crying girl.

I remember the look on my mothers face when Paul dumped me. I cried to her "but he said he loved me" with all the naivete of a 16 year old girl. And she looked so sorry for me as my heart was breaking and she comforted me. At least Dan never said he loved me and I kind of want my mommy.
M.

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