Thursday, September 22, 2005

Truth and Memory

Memory is a funny thing, it grows all un checked in the corner of your mind. As you move through your daily life experiences temper your memories in different ways.

For example:
I remember getting off the plane in Reno to meet my mom when I finally moved in with her. I remember her crying. At the time all I remember was that my mom was glad to see me.

But now, in my memory is a sense that she wanted me all along and that leaving me in San Diego was hard for her. Most especially I remember her saying, "I didn't think you'd actually be on the plane." Now when I think of that I cry, for a person who had been so scared that her child would actually come through on a promise. It must have been hard to pin her hopes on the dependability of a 14 year old girl. It was all up to me to face down my family and tell them I was moving. It was hard, but not as hard as it must have been to wait for me to come back.

Today is Ross' birthday. He has a lot of memories about his childhood. A lot of them have to do with not being wanted, and being an extra child after both of our parents moved on and got new families. I hope that this year brings him some new perspective on his memories, so that he can find some good in them along with the bad. He deserves to have that. He deserves to have time temper his recolections so they have less jagged edges and more softness.

I remember Ross, so competitive and little. Trying hard to be grown up. Trying hard to be what everyone wanted him to be, trying hard to be a man when all he knew about being a man had to do with sports and belligerence and roughness. I remember a boy with a sweetness buried deep inside who loved his mother and worshipped his dad. I know a man, who wants a place in the world, and to feel like he has succeeded. I know a man who needs people to reach out to him and overlook his hard candy shell. Life gave him that shell becasue he gets hurt so easily. So on your 27th birthday Ross, I hope that this year brings you a person whom you trust, who loves you and accepts you and isn't your family. You deserve that. You deserve to have soft memories. I love you and while that isn't nearly enough, it's all I have.

M.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Growing Pains

Well-- I was going to leave this blog and make my mom think that she broke it by commenting, which was just plain mean. So I'm back.

News:
Work rocks.
Sailor Boy and I jam, not rock, but I'm not into the big hair thing anyway.
The grass in my backyard is the best thing ever and pictures have been posted to my flickr page.

Upcoming events I might see some of you at:

Phoenix in two weekends
Fulsom Ren Faire October something
New York first weekend or second weekend in November with Steve! We are going to go to Spamalot, I am going to do some Christmas shopping while he works and if you see us at any bar feel free to come up and say hello. We don't bite and if I do I promise you'll like it.

Sailor Boy and I are working some stuff out. He moved in. It was not all hearts and stars and flowers. ( why oh why can't life be like a bowl of lucky charms?)
But after spending some quality time at Red Lobster discussing our communication issues we might possibly have turned a corner. I'm hoping. He's good and I love him.

Ok just wanted this space not to be too old un-updated. I know, not a word.

M.