Thursday, September 22, 2005

Truth and Memory

Memory is a funny thing, it grows all un checked in the corner of your mind. As you move through your daily life experiences temper your memories in different ways.

For example:
I remember getting off the plane in Reno to meet my mom when I finally moved in with her. I remember her crying. At the time all I remember was that my mom was glad to see me.

But now, in my memory is a sense that she wanted me all along and that leaving me in San Diego was hard for her. Most especially I remember her saying, "I didn't think you'd actually be on the plane." Now when I think of that I cry, for a person who had been so scared that her child would actually come through on a promise. It must have been hard to pin her hopes on the dependability of a 14 year old girl. It was all up to me to face down my family and tell them I was moving. It was hard, but not as hard as it must have been to wait for me to come back.

Today is Ross' birthday. He has a lot of memories about his childhood. A lot of them have to do with not being wanted, and being an extra child after both of our parents moved on and got new families. I hope that this year brings him some new perspective on his memories, so that he can find some good in them along with the bad. He deserves to have that. He deserves to have time temper his recolections so they have less jagged edges and more softness.

I remember Ross, so competitive and little. Trying hard to be grown up. Trying hard to be what everyone wanted him to be, trying hard to be a man when all he knew about being a man had to do with sports and belligerence and roughness. I remember a boy with a sweetness buried deep inside who loved his mother and worshipped his dad. I know a man, who wants a place in the world, and to feel like he has succeeded. I know a man who needs people to reach out to him and overlook his hard candy shell. Life gave him that shell becasue he gets hurt so easily. So on your 27th birthday Ross, I hope that this year brings you a person whom you trust, who loves you and accepts you and isn't your family. You deserve that. You deserve to have soft memories. I love you and while that isn't nearly enough, it's all I have.



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7:09 AM  
Anonymous Uncle Robert said...

Hello Michelle, I'd just thought I'd drop by. I don't really know what to say, I wish I were better at dates and stuff, I sure wish that right now. I'd like to say Happy Birthday to Ross. I remember the day actually. He was the biggest little boy in the nursery. Wow I thought. I shouldn't say too much I guess. My best wishes to both of you. This is a beautiful and painful entry, I'm glad I was able to read it. Robert

11:51 PM  

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