Sunday, January 08, 2006

In the end, everyone grows up

So I skimmed this short article in the NY Times ( the only newspaper I read with any regularity).

I understand the impulse to take a chance. In fact as I get older the more I see the value of taking a chance. Krys likes to say " trust love." I would like to say "trust life." Read the article for yourself so see what it says.
-- That's why I linked to it. I'm not writing a book report. --

Here are my thoughts:
1. Adults lose something as they age. I think it's a natural human response to pain and strife. Adults have learned that doing something possibly dangerous results in a high probability of hurt. Adults consider the consequences. They weigh the risk vs the reward and they usually decide the risk isn't worth it.

2. As people have more relationship experience they have more instances of hurt. They learn, like a child learns not to touch a hot stove, that being open to life and love frequently burns you.

3. I'm rejecting that. No matter what the little accountant type uptight scared little girl in the back of my head says.

I reject the idea in life and in love that you must protect yourself at all costs, that safety is a main concern.

People find out all the time that the absolute worst thing that can happen is something that can be recovered from. That you can start over and over and over again and that there is a freedom that comes from knowing that. I want that freedom. Not to take stupid risks with my life but to take big chances. I already know that the consequences could be huge but the rewards could be even bigger. Staying home and playing it safe never really gets you anywhere.

I've been thinking lately a lot about people who drop everything and travel around the world. People who head to the red cross and give up their lives to save others. Dr's without borders, military, people with dreams of the "big city" etc. That idea calls to me. I find it seductive. I have the trapping of a life here in San Diego. I have a business, good friends, family, a home, adn the idiots in my village for comic relief. And all of those things need me. I love that too. But I want to explore the possibility that there is something else out there. There are other people I could give my time to. There are things I haven't seen that will blow my mind. I want to wander and get hurt and pull myself back up and start over, again and again. I have no fear or question I can get back up. I just don't know what direction to move in.

I want the freedom to not be afraid to lose something in the search for something else. And in the end I almost don't care if it won't have been worth it.

I could throw it all away in one mad gamble like the guy who sold everything he owned for one toss on the roulette wheel. I suppose I'll be an adult and start small and see what I can integrate into my already too safe existence. I'll see how far the boundaries can stretch here first. Becasue, in the end, I've already grown up.

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