Insert Something Witty Here

Suck It Blogger

2006-02-06T01:12:00.000-08:00

OK, I'm outie. My blog is moving to LiveJournal with the rest of my friends, new and old.

Visit me there.

See ya. Wouldn't want to be ya!
M.

What I did today

2006-02-01T15:36:00.000-08:00

After lagging, and working too much, and procrasinating I finally unpacked my office.

These are just the boxes of stuff as the majority of my books are still in boxes in the garage. I really and sincerely regret giving most of my books away when Squid Boy moved in with me. But the silver lining to that is now I won't have to unpack them. And I have room to buy more! I am going out of town this weekend but I am taking idea for ahouse warming party-- probably early Marchish. You know, if i ever get the empty boxes out fo the dining area. One step at a time.

I do not find it surprising that men don't understand women.

2006-01-30T22:33:00.000-08:00

I don't get it.

One second I'm excited and the next I'm, well, not even interested.

The past few years of dating have taught me that nothing makes any sense. Least of all my own reactions.

I don't really believe in a perfect person out there just for me. But when that "spark" or "chemistry" is gone I can't get it back.

Big Sigh.

Product Placement

2006-01-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

Ok-- I hardly ever do this. But I have to rave about something.

Fabric Softener. I'm being serious here. You all need to go out and buy this kind of fabric softener.

It's Downy Simple Pleasures in Vanilla and Lavendar. It comes in a purple bottle. Well there are other colors and other scents but when you open the washing machine the small that wafts off your clothes is amazing.

Really I'm not kidding. I made me want to do all my laundry this weekend. ( those of you who know how much I hate folding clothes should know what a feat that is.)

If you like to smell good-- run, don't walk to your nearest Vons and pick some of this stuff up. Go Now!

M.

Pros vs. Cons

2006-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:00

OK-- I have compiled the list of things I like about my new house and things I don't.
I know you are waiting with bated breath...

Like:
More space. -- larger office, guest room, vaulted ceilings, extra bathroom.
Better yard. two levels, fruit trees, patio and grass with a view.
Better Layout. seperate living and dining areas.
View of sunrise and sunset ( in a limited fashion).
Attached garage.
Much better Vons in this area.

Dislike:
This kitchen is idiototic.
The bedrooms are dark and I sleep later than I used to.
Nowhere to walk to in this part of suburbia.
Crappy freeway access. I mean I'm close to the 94 but is that really an advantage?

So in general I feel I have made a pretty good choice. BUT I wish my good choice were in Kensington.

No regrets, what's the point?
M.

Time keeps on slipping, slipping, slipping, into the future.

2006-01-27T07:21:00.000-08:00

So all of the sudden work reappeared with a vengance.

I am happy for that, cause you know, money is a good thing.

But really, it's Friday and I'm just going to be glad that I don't have plans tonight and can unpack some of my boxes.

Hopefully this weekend I can get the last of the stuff out of my old house and into my new one.
That and check out a new band with T. Those are my only goals.

Horray for Friday with no plans in it!!!!

Things I liked about Today

2006-01-25T17:47:00.000-08:00

Three new possible clients.

Cheese.

Earning Money.

I looked hot and my grandmother said I have nice ankles.

No one in my family yelled at me today.

One day closer to going out of town.

Did I mention Cheese?

Comedy Improv Starts Tonight. -- Mine's Electric.

M.

Why can't life be like Girls Just Wanna Have Fun?

2006-01-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

It has been one of those days with no discernable end in sight.

So I'm off to shake it like a polaroid picture at bellydancing. 'Cause sometimes when the day has been bad you've just gotta dance.

M.

Things I'm currently digging...

2006-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

Mozilla Firefox. (I know, I'm way behind. )

But you should know I'm just digging it for the cute little icons that appear next to my bookmarks and the web addresses. 'cause that is the kind of girl I am.

Thanks T.

Also very much enjoying She Wants Revenge singing Tear You Apart. Oh my god that song has a great baseline and the refrain makes me stupidly horny. 'cause that is also the kind of girl I am.

Also super happy that improv comedy starting up again on Wednesday night. Becasue my current level of dead pan humor is not enough. I want to learn to make people pee their pants. 'cause that is really the kind of girl I am.

And that is all.

HA!

2006-01-21T08:43:00.000-08:00

Click the Red Button

OK I have no idea how long this has been around. But it made me laugh.

You all know my favorite joke right?

So click if you like stupid things.

It's safe for work.

I swear.

No, really!

Accountability

2006-01-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

OK--

So in the spirit of my "under construction" year I would finally like to put one goal to bed in 2006.

In 1997 I broke my foot. In 2001 I rebroke it, and again in 2002 and again in 2003. At this point ex-rays show that I have such a huge mass of scar tissue on my right foot that conventional dr.'s cannot discern if it is still broken. Plus I have this super cool bump on my foot. Almost as good as the gnarly scar on my knee. Luckily I also found a great alternative medicine chiroprator who fixed me so I'm not afraid to run down the stairs to get the phone, or jump up and down because I'm excited.

Between breaking my foot and my incredibly long and basically dead end relationship, I managed to put on a lot of weight. Being almost unable to walk for 6 months at a time will do that to you. Plus I eat emotionally. Food is frequently a euphoria inducing drug.

Now, I have lost a huge amount of weight. But I would still like to lose some more. This is not the phantom 10 pounds that most women battle their whole lives. This is about 2 sizes of fat that does my body no good and obscures the absolutely great muscle tone that I have worked to build up.

I'm tired of not being able to see that muscle. I've been literally working on developing it for years and the fact that it remains a suggestion rather than a fact when I flex is severely irritating to me.

It makes me mad when I look in the mirror. I do not like to be upset by things like looking at my naked body in a mirror.

Cerebrally I understand I have a healthy strong body. Vanity wants me to acknowledge that some men find me attractive. But I still get irritated when I look in the mirror.

So -- in an effort to stop being irritated, and to start my 30's having put some of the baggage of my 20's down. I'd like to be a size 8 ( maybe a 6) by the time I hit 30. That translates to a loss of about 10-15 pound of fat. It doesn't translate to weight because to lose that fat I will have to gain some muscle.

More importantly I want arms like Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2 and a stomach like my bellydancing teacher Lucia. I don't think I'm asking too much.

This goal is going to take some persistence and commitment. It is also going to have to be more important than staying up late with cool people, drinking with friends regularly, eating out all the time, and sharing french fries with Maria. So I'm asking all those people with whom I do those activities to understand if I turn down the scond glass of wine, turn in by midnight becasue I get up at 5am, have a salad instead of a burger, and make my best friend eat fries alone.

Can you help me out? This has been going on too long.

M.

Happy Motherfuckin' Birthday to me!

2006-01-19T11:14:00.000-08:00

Ways my birthday has already been good:

1. woke up next to somebody cool.
2. ate cookie dough and pizza for breakfast, wore my pijamas until 10:30
3. got presents -- Thanks Tenacious T.

Way it will shortly be good:
4. going for a ride up Mt. Palomar on the back of Mark's bike.
5. Getting a manicure and pedicure
6. NOT UNPACKING

Ways it will be good for days:
7. Cirque Du Soliel with Maria
8. Birthday dinner with friends and family on Saturday
9. Party with Janette Thursday
10. Party with Denyce on the 31st
11. Party with Krys the entire first weekend of February.

I'd post about my move but I'm still making a list of pros and cons.

Here's to day 1 on my birthday festivites. Festivities to continue intermitently until I see Krys in February-- so far year 29 rocks my face right off!

Horray for Birthdays!!!!!
and exclamation points!!!!

M.

How to Charm Me

2006-01-16T10:23:00.000-08:00

OK,

For those of you who are liberals and like good writing even if the outlet is a little bit full of themselves I highly recommend Salon.com

But mainly I pay money to Salon.com just to read Cary Tennis' advice column.

I don't think he has any qualifications but really, the man writes a strong and crafty sentence and gives damn good advice.

Thanks MySpace

2006-01-14T08:18:00.000-08:00

Huh, the end of date three and I'm still interested.

Nice.

M.

PSA

2006-01-13T14:57:00.000-08:00

All is One.

This has a much more socially conscious message than hampster dance. Too bad it's not narrated by StrongBad.

Oh My God.

2006-01-13T03:13:00.000-08:00

I'm still awake.

Shoot me now.

M.

How to Amuse Me

2006-01-13T00:54:00.000-08:00

Be this guy on MySpace...

Go on click the link. You know you want to.

I wonder, when he sent this email:

"chellean, you're so beautiful.. you have a smile as warm as the sun. may i know you? charlie :)"

do you think he meant that in a biblical sense?

And why no photos? I think he might be lying.

M.

In the end, everyone grows up

2006-01-08T09:56:00.000-08:00

So I skimmed this short article in the NY Times ( the only newspaper I read with any regularity).

I understand the impulse to take a chance. In fact as I get older the more I see the value of taking a chance. Krys likes to say " trust love." I would like to say "trust life." Read the article for yourself so see what it says.
-- That's why I linked to it. I'm not writing a book report. --

Here are my thoughts:
1. Adults lose something as they age. I think it's a natural human response to pain and strife. Adults have learned that doing something possibly dangerous results in a high probability of hurt. Adults consider the consequences. They weigh the risk vs the reward and they usually decide the risk isn't worth it.

2. As people have more relationship experience they have more instances of hurt. They learn, like a child learns not to touch a hot stove, that being open to life and love frequently burns you.

3. I'm rejecting that. No matter what the little accountant type uptight scared little girl in the back of my head says.

I reject the idea in life and in love that you must protect yourself at all costs, that safety is a main concern.

People find out all the time that the absolute worst thing that can happen is something that can be recovered from. That you can start over and over and over again and that there is a freedom that comes from knowing that. I want that freedom. Not to take stupid risks with my life but to take big chances. I already know that the consequences could be huge but the rewards could be even bigger. Staying home and playing it safe never really gets you anywhere.

I've been thinking lately a lot about people who drop everything and travel around the world. People who head to the red cross and give up their lives to save others. Dr's without borders, military, people with dreams of the "big city" etc. That idea calls to me. I find it seductive. I have the trapping of a life here in San Diego. I have a business, good friends, family, a home, adn the idiots in my village for comic relief. And all of those things need me. I love that too. But I want to explore the possibility that there is something else out there. There are other people I could give my time to. There are things I haven't seen that will blow my mind. I want to wander and get hurt and pull myself back up and start over, again and again. I have no fear or question I can get back up. I just don't know what direction to move in.

I want the freedom to not be afraid to lose something in the search for something else. And in the end I almost don't care if it won't have been worth it.

I could throw it all away in one mad gamble like the guy who sold everything he owned for one toss on the roulette wheel. I suppose I'll be an adult and start small and see what I can integrate into my already too safe existence. I'll see how far the boundaries can stretch here first. Becasue, in the end, I've already grown up.

Anticipation

2006-01-07T10:48:00.000-08:00

So I actually met a really cool, attractive, FUNNY, intelligent guy last night.

Now I have to grow some patience while I wait to see if he calls or writes.

Have I mentioned I have the patience of a gnat?

M.

So THAT'S why I was up so early.

2006-01-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

So I'm moving. again.

Due to some unforseen circumstances and the opportunity to get into a bigger place with a larger yard and more of a garage, I am in desperate need of some boxes. ASAP.

I'll be out of my little house by the end of the month.

I must have known this was coming. I sure felt something hurtling toward me when I woke up this morning.

M.

Starting the New Year off right

2006-01-06T05:38:00.000-08:00

So my eyes popped open at 4:20 this morning. I was emphatically awake. My mind was going and that was it. Now I'm all for starting my day off early so that I'm productive before I run out of steam but this is getting ridiculous. Even the dogs aren't out of bed yet.
Plus what on earth is a 7pm bedtime going to do to my social life?

Big Sigh.

M.

Remembrance

2006-01-04T22:17:00.000-08:00

OK for all you memory challenged men out there, ( Neil and Steve!) I offer you the following quote, supposedly from Thomas Edisons Diary,

" We do not remember. A certain group of out little people do this for us. They live in that part of the brain which has become known as the 'fold of Broca' ... There may be twelve or fifteen shifts that change about and are on duty at different times like men in a factory... Therefore it seems likely that remembering a thing is all a matter of getting in touch with the shift that was on duty when the recording was done."

So my words of advice are:
Downsize so you don't have 800 shifts.

My little people work 12 hours a day.
M.

My thoughts on the new year...

2006-01-03T19:03:00.000-08:00

So I mainly use my birthday as my "new year" that is the beauty of being a January baby. Really it's the only beauty because there is no way you can have a pool party in January and everyone doesn't buy presents cause it is so close to Christmas. But yay for my new year coinciding with my birthday! Fucking silver linings anyway.

Mainly my goal for the year is to start my 30's ( ie 2007 birthday) totally happy with myself, how I look, where I am professionally, where I am with regards to relationships.

This goal entails two things: If I have to change something external to be happy in one of those areas I need to start making that change immediately.

if I have to change something internally to be happy with in one of those areas I need to start making that change immediately.

So I'm looking at this year as if I were under construction.

Coming by 2007 in this space A New Improved Michelle!

In other news, only a few shopping days left for my birthday-- you know you want to look at my amazon wishlist.

Loot

2005-12-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

Christmas was good, I got stuff. Mainly it was nice to spend a day with my family where we didn't fight and no one got on my case about anything.

Highlights of my loot include:

Breadmaker
Bright Red Toaster
Bobby Flay Grilling Cookbook
Giftcards!

I'm glad christmas is done now. I just wish 2005 were also over. I'm ready for 2006. This part of the year always feels old. Like we have worn it out and it is tired. The skies are gray and people are mentally checked out. And then Bam! January 2nd rolls around and we are energized and excited and talking about new things and new projects and a whole new year is stretching out in front of us. I love that energy and I'm tired of this week.
M.

Getting Away With It

2005-12-21T17:16:00.000-08:00

So I rarely let my family get away with pushing my boundaries. In fact mainly I try hard to make sure they never come close enough to me to see my boundaries. Mainly because they hurt me so much.

I have a family that thinks the worst of everything I try to do, that never gives me the benefit of the doubt, and that acts like at any moment I will abscond with all their stuff and never call again.

I wish I had a family that actually knew me.

I always wanted to be John Cleese

2005-12-21T07:42:00.000-08:00

You are the Minister of Silly Walks

What Monty Python Sketch Character are you?
brought to you by

Winter Pays for Summer

2005-12-19T15:39:00.000-08:00

OK, first things first, I LOVED New York City. Just the sheer amount of people watching made it infinitely interesting to me at all times. If I didn't have a life and a career and family here in San Diego I would pack up and move now. Right now.

So here's a blow by blow ( not literally) of my trip for interested parties.

First night-- Jetblue has some decent service and the TV thing almost makes the flight worth it. By the time Steve! and I ride the subway into the city it is 10:10. We stop a DaNico's for dinner which is just off Spring Street in Little Italy. They have stopped serving food, but the sweet italian guy keeps the kitchen open for 20 more minutes and feeds us. One bottle of wine, 5 cheese and pasta concoction, ( holy shit why don't they sell stuff like that at olive garden?) and dessert later and clearly it was time to head out to a neighborhood bar. So Steve! and I went to the Spring Street Bar where I think I met a cousin. His name was Dan McLaughlin and his family was from Syracuse. My grandfather's brothers all live in upstate New York. There were also 4 people who grew up in SD sitting at the bar becasue that is how small the world is. Steve! and I spent lots of time drinking a local beer ( Brooklyn Lager) and catching up. We caught the 2:30 ferry to Staten Island and I have no real memory of the ride except that is where Steve! taught me the meaning of "off like a prom dress." Ha! I crack up just writing that.

Day two. This is where I need to mention just how freaking cold it was while I was there. Day 2 was aproximately 16 degrees out, but then there was the wind. The wind made it really, like, NEGATIVE 3 DEGREES!!!!!
Anyway, we decided to head to Times Square and get in line for half price theater tickets. We had to stand in the shade where it was only slightly colder than the moon. The only thing they were selling tickets to that we had any interest in was Chicago staring Huey Lewis. Can I just say that Chicago was great but Huey Lewis doesn't have what it takes to be Billy Flynn. He really doesn't. He's just so, schlumpy. But the girls playing Roxie and Velma were absolutely amazing. So after buying tickets we walk in Friday's in Times Square to defrost and have some lunch. Which is where I got the shock of my life. I wanted soup and salad. The cost on the menu? wait for it...
$16.99

So we bailed.

We cruised up to Rockefeller Center. It was cold and pretty. We saw the Sak's windows which were super cool. They had these modern snowmen dressed in tuxedos that looked kind of sinister. The tree and decorations were nice and we decided not to ice skate. We had some coffee and waiting for our show to start.

After Chicago we tried to find a decent place to eat that wasn't stupid expensive. We ended up in a bar called Kevin St. James in midtown. I do not like midtown. We decided we would skip midtown for the rest of the trip.

Day Three: We woke up late and headed into the city for a trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. All I cared about seeing was the Egypt exhibit. I took an Egyptian History class way back in college and had been told this was the best collection outside of Cairo. It was still freezing but I enjoyed the trip uptown. The Met is on the East side of Central Park. Several of the rooms open to huge glass expanses that look over the park which was cool. The Egypt exhibit was excellent. There was so much cool stuff. My flickr page has the photoset. We also checked out the Frank Lloyd Wright Exhibit, the musical instrument exhibit and the armor rooms, which were stellar. We spent about 4-5 hours there and barely scratched the surface. I would have to say it might have even been better than the Smithsonian. I'm not sure. That night we decided to drink beer and eat chinese food and watch pay per view. It was very cold on the ferry home and I was glad we were not outside at all.

Day four: Again with the waking up late. Then we went down to Canal Street so I could buy contraband and cheap tchochkes. I bought a very fake Prada purse that I will use with pride. I also got a cool purse with a dragonfly pattern that Steve! thought was hideous but I liked for summer. It was weird being on Canal Street. There were all these shady people going:
"psst! want a rolex?" and then holding open their jackets etc. Lots of people were selling bootleg movies recorded in the movie theater illegally. I totally bought King Kong and Narnia. Picked up some souveniers and went for Cuban food. The retuarant was in NoHo ( which stand for North of Houston, for those of you who don't know.) ((Houston is pronounced HOUSE-ton. Not like the city in Texas.)) Anyway the Cuban restuarant was toally charming, the waiter danced and sang along to all the music like he just couldn't help himself. The food was excellent-- well except for Steve's! oxtail. (What the hell did you expect when you ordered something with the word tail in it?) We drank a whole pitcher of Sangria and I told the waiter that there was no cuban retuarant in San Diego and so he should keep that in mind, for a business opportunity. Is there a cuban restuarant in SD?
Then is was the all important time for us to go and watch Soccer at a Football bar in the East Village. The bar was named Nevada Smiths after some Steve McQueen movie. There were lots of people with accents to listen to which I found charming and they served good beer on tap. And then the Scots entered the picture. meet Colin and Jules, two lovely people from Edinburgh who work in publishing. Jules was very drunk by 7pm on white wine and Colin was unwillingly babysitting her, flirting with me, and arguing about football. So Jules decided to flirt with Steve! much kissing ensued. I was very very amused. Seteve! you are a stud. The evening ended in dancing and karaokee and a cab trip in the freezing sleet coming down where we just managed to make the 1:30 ferry home. Steve! was pretty sleepy in teh cab and very hung over the next day. I feel my greatest accomplishment that night was not getting as drunk as Steve! and keeping Jules from kissing me, or Colin kissing me for that matter.

The resultant hangover Steve! had the next day meant we stayed in and ordered pizza and watched our bootleg version of Narnia. It was very dark, in fact over half the movie was a black screen with just audio. King Kong turned out much better. The pizza was made with fresh dough, and homemade fresh mozzarella, and pepperoni that appeared to have been created straight from heaven. It was good and I will never eat San Diego pizza again.

After the movie I packed and hopped the ferry for my journey to the airport which I made on the subway all by myself without getting lost or getting on the wrong train.

And that was my week last week. I think I'll go back in spring.

M.

Greater Than the Sum of My Parts

2005-12-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

Note to self:

When you ask someone what they like about you, and all the things they like are things related to how you make them feel, remember this:

They don't really like you, they just like what you do for them.

A person who doesn't really appreciate you for the person you are isn't the kind of person who can give you anything or teach you anything. They don't really like you. Let them go. Thanks so much for the late night illumination, I will never make the mistake I made with you again.

I am greater than the sum of my parts and the people who love me know that.

On a side note: working on an update regarding New York. It's going to be long. And lots more interesting than this. Photos are almost updated.

M.

If I can Make It There...

2005-12-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

Bugger this for a lark,
I'm off to New York.

Don't wait up suckers.

Michelle's Operating Manual

2005-12-07T13:57:00.000-08:00

1. How can I tell if you are angry?
How can you not? I yell, a lot. My anger is like a summer thunder storm, loud and flashy and quickly passing. If I am so mad I cannot yell I leave and come back when I am capable of speaking.

2. How should I behave around you while you are angry?
Yell back. Then when I am done yelling/you are done yelling, talk it out until we have a resolution.

3. How do you want me to behave when you are hurting emotionally? (How is best to comfort you?) Listen to me. I will tell you what I need. It usually involves distractions and hugs.

4. Are there things we should ~not~ discuss?
Nah-- most things are fair game. I will tell you if I don't want to talk about it. But you have to respect that when I say it.

5. How should I treat you if you are physically ill? Leave me alone, except to bring me things I ask for. Remind me to shower so I'll feel better.

6. What makes you happy? (that may be in my power to grant, as a friend?) My important people, sunshine, easy drama free days, my dogs. Life is pretty damn good, and I don't really take it for granted.

7. How would you like for us to recognize your birthday?
Well I tried to make it a National Holiday but aparently you have to "do" something in "service" to your country or some such crap. Come to whatever function I am having and eat cake, call me in the morning so I know you remembered, know that on my birthday I have the right to get whatever I want.

8. Are there any standing categories of presents that would be appropriate or unwelcome?
Jewlery is always good. I like silver, no yellow gold.
Do not buy me clothes or shoes. I am picky and it makes me feel bad to return gifts.

9. Are there times of the year that are difficult for you? The end of winter/early spring. I always feel like I am bursting at the seams to be outside and in the warmth. It makes me restless and impatient.

10. Are there important anniversaries that we should recognize in your life? My birthday, Jan 19th. ( only 42 more shopping days folks)

11. Who are the most important people in your life to whom we should defer when making plans on your behalf? Maria

12. What do you share with others? Whatever they need.

13. What do you NOT share with others? With strangers-- the person I really am. With anyone else, information I think is mundane and boring.

14. How does someone become your friend? Value me as much as I value them.

15. How does someone lose you as a friend? Make me feel like you could care less if you ever talked to me again. If you are more cost than benefit I will do the analysis and that will be that. If you kick my dogs I will kill you.

16. What scares you? That no one will ever love me as much as people who have already been and gone in my life.

17. About what are you most sensitive? Everything. My skin is so thin you can see through it and all my thoughts are visible. I am not fragile, just stupidly sensitive. I just pretend I'm not.

Like a butterfly, the wild butterfly, I will collect you and capture you...

2005-12-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

So I'm walking in J.C. Penny's today on my way to the glasses store-- which is entirely financed by me, care of Maggie, the dog who loves to eat my glasses-- and I looked over at the men's dressing room.

Some past person in my life would know what dressing room I am refering to. It is the dressing room where he got distracted by an employee knocking over a rack and then he couldn't, well, you know...
(Sorry Mom, I know you read this.)

Anyway, when I glanced at the dressing room I felt that smile come to my face, the smile I got when I propsed the , ahem, distraction. And I walked on a little bit more swing to my hips and bounce to my step. Really because, for just a second, I felt that dangerous and naughty and "ohmigod we are soooo going to get caught" all over again.

But to complete my trip down memory lane, while in Sephora, I smelled the bottle of Obsession. And there was Bryan in all his, too goth for you glory, right there all wrapped up in the scent. All I needed was the leather smell from his jacket and the cigarette smell from his Camel's and I would have been able to touch him. God, he was beautiful. God, he was an idiot.

Funny how things do that to you. Isn't it?

Despite my grevious boyfriend errors, ( let's be honest I mainly date assholes who treat me like shit even though they are basically good people at heart... ) I am glad I have a collection of sense memories like that.
The sound of breathing in my hair late at night
The smell of cigarettes
The way his chest had that cool concavity that collected the sweat from our bodies
The way they held my hand, or hugged.

Everyone has something good to remember about them. Hopefully I can be the kind of person who leaves more than one good memory.

Yes Neo, you are "the One"

2005-12-04T18:01:00.000-08:00

EDIT-- Nevermind at all the of the stuff I wrote below. This guy doesn't do it for me anymore.

So I've never believed in soul mates. I believe that you find a person who has certain traits, that you have fun with, and that you have enough of a communication understanding so you can work out conflicts. And then you go for it. Assuming that there is a physical attraction.

But today I had a date with a man who could theoretically last awhile.

I'll stop short of any sweeping, dramatic pronunciation. But I have never been so dissappointed in a kiss on the cheek, and so excited to see what comes next, at the same time. He makes me want to take it slow becasue I am convinced that will be so much more interesting. No one else has ever made me want that.

Finally,
M.

Because At Heart We Are All Just Savage Children

2005-12-02T09:13:00.000-08:00

I do dumb things when I drink.

Like drive home in the fog at 1 in the morning.

It is holiday season, and nothing was hurt (except my head this morning.)

But I'm officially on a two drink maximum for the rest of the year.

Or I'm afraid that next time I might not be so lucky.

Big sigh. You'd think I would get smarter as I get older.

Beggars can't be choosers

2005-11-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

So, along with the great beakup of 2005 (not to be confused with the greater breakup of 2003), my computer melted down. Or more specifically, it developed power problems. I dealt with this by having my ex boyfriend replace some parts. Unfortunately when you start replacing parts on a Dell, aparently you should just get an almost new computer. So, a new case and motherboard later things are back to normal.

Except that my computer routinely sounds like it is getting ready for takeoff. I know that the Dell had some super niose deafaning thing in it cause when Sailor Boy took it apart he said something like,
" I wondered why it was so quiet..."
I did not consider the meaning of this at the time, being more concerned for the data on my hard drive not getting fried. But now, Jack is barking at the computer from the other room. He routinely comes in and sniffs it when it makes too much noise.

It cracks me up. I'd much rather have a noisy computer than a dead computer. Still, I wonder how to sound proof it? Watch out, you might see my computer flying over the greater San Diego area any day now. I've got to get out of its path.

M.

Review: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

2005-11-22T06:52:00.000-08:00

So when the book, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire first came out, Neil and I both wondered how on earth they would make a movie out of it. Because the book is so damn long.

Last night we went to see it, and now we know how. They cut several of the threads that ran through the book entirely. It was a movie, not a book. There is no space for endless character development. The movie clocked in at just over 2 hours. It was paced well, with a tight plot, and excellent visual representation and effect. I thought Fleur Delacouer could have been way more beautiful but in real life women aren't veelas.

However, there was some flavor missing. The back story about Barty Crouch was gone, the twins didn't get any prize money, there were no house elves, Percy Weasley doesn't make an appearance. So in the movie mythology those cut threads become dead ends. There will be no conflict between Percy and his family in the next two movies. Where will the twins get the money for their joke shop? This is why you should always just read the book.

Overall I thought the film did a great job at being a film, it was funny and warm and scary and pretty damn well done for a film with underage actors struggling to emote. I would recommend it highly, as I enjoyed it highly. Just don't read the book first. Or when Cedric dies you will feel a little bit sad you missed the flavor and can't summon a tear for that one dimensional character.

M.

For Your Dating Consideration

2005-11-17T06:21:00.000-08:00

OK, so last night I had a date. It went ok. We went to play pool, he was nice, attentive, reasonably attractive, realtively funny. See how lukewarm I am about him? I was bored silly.

So, what do I do now?
A: Hi Brian, I had fun but I don't think the chemistry is there for me.
B. Avoid him.

Yeah so the answer is A. But B sounds so much easier.

M.

Geek Out

2005-11-16T15:13:00.000-08:00

Ok,
I'm ridiculously excited for this movie. So excited that when I saw the trailer I got teary eyed. WTF? was that about.

But really, it will be the next one that rocks the world.

M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-11-16T05:56:00.000-08:00

Tell me how cute I am while we are talking on the phone. Tell me lots of times in response to things that I say. Tell me I'm cute until I just want to scream,

NO, I'M NOT!!!

M.

How to Amuse Me

2005-11-15T16:19:00.000-08:00

My dog Jack has finally figured out that if I drop his ball off the upstairs balcony, that he must run downstairs, through the house, out the dog door to retrieve it. He is so smart. He is also finally worn out.

M.

Editing

2005-11-14T16:59:00.000-08:00

Just for you,
Things I liked:
The way you smelled.
The way you did the dishes.
How patient you were explaining things I didn't understand.
How funny you could be when you were in a good mood.
The first 6 months we spent together.

Unfortunately, the other stuff looms larger right now. THIS post is about you, not me.

M.

Perspective

2005-11-10T13:26:00.000-08:00

So I'm in the car, listening to my fathers liberal talk radio station. And I, not for the first time, realize I was dating a racist, sexist, slightly homophobic republican. And now I'm slightly dperessed that it didn't work out?

Right,
so on my list of deal breakers I need to add racism and sexism and homophobia. It never would have occured to me that I would have had to put those on the list, but clearly I was willing to chalk those up to "differences" of opinion rather than absolutely indefensible opinions.

OK so I suppose I should be glad I didn't end up with someone with those views for longer than 9 months. When Krys said after meeting him
" You won't be with him 9 years." I was a little bit annoyed, not too much, but I've got thin skin. Now all I'm thinking is,

Thank God.

This is where the party ends I can't stand here listening to you and your racist friend...

I feel like a hypocrite talking to you and your racist friend...

Thank God indeed.

M.

All of your courage to let it all go

2005-11-08T07:08:00.000-08:00

So it's a lot easier to hold on to hurt feelings and use them like armor.

It's a lot harder to let them go and try to find something good in a person who has hurt you and trust them even though you think they will hurt you again.

Courage.

M.

So I'm watching BBC news...

2005-11-07T18:37:00.000-08:00

And amidst all the coverage for the riots in France there is a small segment about some study that shows that it is easier to break out of poverty in Europe than in America.

I'm not into the rant thing.

But do you think that this is caused by:
A: Massive social systems that allow people opportunities but are paid for by astronomical taxes ( this theory also know as redistribution of wealth)

B. Pervasive racism and social mores that value "pulling yourself up by the bootstraps" more than they value people?

Discuss.

In other news:
I woke up this morning coughing. Whatever is going on with my voice has finally decided to come out of my throat. I'm just glad that whatever I have, isn't like Alien or else the dark of this morning would have been much less pleasant than the 45 minutes of hacking and spitting.

I am finally going to New York as an (ahem) adult. I will be visiting STEVE! during December so I can remind myself why people choose to live in Southern California. And so I can check out the city decorated for Christmas and see SPAMALOT and hang with a great friend, drink way too much red wine, and hopefully eat lots of good food.

Dan and I are officially over. Finally, some of you are saying. What the hell did you see in him? Well I saw a really honest, funny guy, who was the best sex of my life.
Blinded by the sex, it could happen to anybody.

The moral of the story is that sex cannot overcome dating aman who has problems with emotional intimacy on that scale.

Of course the fact we moved in too fast and then I got so insecure I could have been called "crazy" didn't help either.

Live and Learn.

M.

Stolen From Krys Meme

2005-10-28T09:25:00.000-07:00

TEN FIRSTS

01.First Best Friend: Sarah Shapard

02. First Screen Name: Luvchick, I still use it.

03. First Pet: that was only mine? My puppy Tequila

04. First Piercing: Ears, at the Del Mar fair, I was 4. My mom bought me unicorn earings, and the unicorns had rainbow manes and tails. I wore them until they turned my ears green.

05. First Crush: Steven Miller in second grade.

06. First CD: First "only for me" music was Madonna's Like a Virgin but that was back in the days of cassette. First CD purchased was Bob Marley's Legend.

07. First Car of Your Own: 1980 Chevy Cavalier.

08.First Stuffed Animal: Ummm, first memory of a special stuffed animal. Pokey the purple bear.

09. First Word: I have no idea.

10. First thought this morning: Yay! I don't have to get up now!

NINE LASTS

01. Last Alchoholic Beverage: Newcastle Brown Ale at Bucca de Beppo last night.

02. Last Car Ride: Home from Lake Murray where I walked the idiots

03. Last Movie Seen: The Fog last night. Don't make the same mistake I did.

04. Last Phone Call: Maria for our morning check in with eachother.

05. Last CD Played: Last Playlist played on IPOD "Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy"

06. Last Bubble Bath: unknown

07. Last Time You Cried: Yesterday

08. Last Time You Laughed: This morning at the dogs.

09. Last words said: "Talk to you later Lady."

EIGHT HAVE YOU EVERS

01. Have you ever dated one of your best friends: Yes. for 9 years

02. Have you ever been arrested: hard to believe, but no, never.

03. Have you ever skinny dipped: Every year in the ocean.

04. Have you ever been on TV: Yes, as a child for Jr. Theater, San Diego Youth Ballet, in high school for an aids activism show we did.

05. Have you ever kissed someone and then regretted it: Only the guy who gave me the cold sore virus. I would cheerfully run him over.

06. Have you ever had a sex dream about someone you knew: Silly rabbit, a girl has to have some secrets.

07. Have you ever had sex: Duh.

08. Have you ever been in a car wreck: not a wreck no, but in the Michelle vs. Parking garage episode, I lost.

SEVEN THINGS YOU'RE WEARING

01. Sports Bra

02.Diamond earrings

03. Red sleeveless T-Shirt

04. workout pants

05. white athletic socks

06. tennis shoes

07. That's it

SIX THINGS YOU DID TODAY

01. Woke up

02. Wrestled with dogs on bed

03. weighed myself .

04. got dressed

05. walked 4 miles at lake Murray

06.Discussed taking my grandpas drivers liscense away with my father while at lake.

FIVE FAVORITE THINGS IN NO ORDER

01. read

02. talk

03. shop

04. sex

05. cheese

FOUR CHOICES

01. Black or White: black, I'm soooo goth.

02. Hot or Cold: Hot

03. Chocolate or Vanilla Ice cream: Vanilla

04. Coffee or Tea: Green Tea

THREE PEOPLE YOU CAN TELL ANYTHING TO

maria and neil that is it.

TWO THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

01. learn how to make myself happy

02. take care of my important people everyday

ONE THING YOU REGRET:

No regrets. Seriously. What's the point?

Whistling in the Dark

2005-10-25T21:40:00.000-07:00

The concept of negative space in art has never made any sense to me until now. When I look at the empty desk in my office where a boyfriend used to be I totally get the concept.

But when I realize that I'm alone again, and while I am capable of being alone I really hate it, all the negative space i find is in my own head.

I have no idea what he and I are doing. And I will cut off my own hand before I pick up that phone. I hope we figure this out before too much more time passes.

Truth and Memory

2005-09-22T06:54:00.000-07:00

Memory is a funny thing, it grows all un checked in the corner of your mind. As you move through your daily life experiences temper your memories in different ways.

For example:
I remember getting off the plane in Reno to meet my mom when I finally moved in with her. I remember her crying. At the time all I remember was that my mom was glad to see me.

But now, in my memory is a sense that she wanted me all along and that leaving me in San Diego was hard for her. Most especially I remember her saying, "I didn't think you'd actually be on the plane." Now when I think of that I cry, for a person who had been so scared that her child would actually come through on a promise. It must have been hard to pin her hopes on the dependability of a 14 year old girl. It was all up to me to face down my family and tell them I was moving. It was hard, but not as hard as it must have been to wait for me to come back.

Today is Ross' birthday. He has a lot of memories about his childhood. A lot of them have to do with not being wanted, and being an extra child after both of our parents moved on and got new families. I hope that this year brings him some new perspective on his memories, so that he can find some good in them along with the bad. He deserves to have that. He deserves to have time temper his recolections so they have less jagged edges and more softness.

I remember Ross, so competitive and little. Trying hard to be grown up. Trying hard to be what everyone wanted him to be, trying hard to be a man when all he knew about being a man had to do with sports and belligerence and roughness. I remember a boy with a sweetness buried deep inside who loved his mother and worshipped his dad. I know a man, who wants a place in the world, and to feel like he has succeeded. I know a man who needs people to reach out to him and overlook his hard candy shell. Life gave him that shell becasue he gets hurt so easily. So on your 27th birthday Ross, I hope that this year brings you a person whom you trust, who loves you and accepts you and isn't your family. You deserve that. You deserve to have soft memories. I love you and while that isn't nearly enough, it's all I have.

M.

Growing Pains

2005-09-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

Well-- I was going to leave this blog and make my mom think that she broke it by commenting, which was just plain mean. So I'm back.

News:
Work rocks.
Sailor Boy and I jam, not rock, but I'm not into the big hair thing anyway.
The grass in my backyard is the best thing ever and pictures have been posted to my flickr page.

Upcoming events I might see some of you at:

Phoenix in two weekends
Fulsom Ren Faire October something
New York first weekend or second weekend in November with Steve! We are going to go to Spamalot, I am going to do some Christmas shopping while he works and if you see us at any bar feel free to come up and say hello. We don't bite and if I do I promise you'll like it.

Sailor Boy and I are working some stuff out. He moved in. It was not all hearts and stars and flowers. ( why oh why can't life be like a bowl of lucky charms?)
But after spending some quality time at Red Lobster discussing our communication issues we might possibly have turned a corner. I'm hoping. He's good and I love him.

Ok just wanted this space not to be too old un-updated. I know, not a word.

M.

Off

2005-08-25T06:49:00.000-07:00

So today I am off to San Jose for 3 days with Krys. We are going to geek out at the Golden Gate Ren Faire. There will be many photos posted upon my return.

While I am gone, Sailor Boy is landscaping my backyard. I feel bed he is doing it without my help. I would help if I were going to be here.

So Yay! for visiting Krys. and YAYYAYYAYAYAYYAYAYAYYAY for returning home to a backyard with actual grass and sprinklers. You know, just in time for the end of summer.

M.

2005-08-10T19:39:00.000-07:00

Sailor Boy came back from Chicago with some awful sickness-- and now I have it.

Sailor Boy has fabulous insurance through the Navy and has been given antibiotics just this side of Cipro and is already better.

I have stupid self employed insurance and am not yet better.

I have decided to self medicate with alcohol. Rum and Cokes to be exact since they clearly are the next best thing to Cipro. Plus with two of those in my system I am still fully functioning but the yawning raw open wound that is the back of my throat is now fully anesthetized.

I think what I really have is this cool disease from the Middle Ages called "the dread scrofula."

When I was a little girl my father always used to call any illness the dread scrofula. I of course, along with the singsong way I spell my last name, picked this habit up.

My mother, medical transcription extroidinaire, once described to me what a scrofula is. And here for your viewing pleasure, compliments of the geniuses of google, is the definition. ( Can I say how much I love google? I would have google's child if I could. They should make a movie about a woman who gets pregnant by computer code. STOP geeking out Michelle!)

Wish me better health, or buy me more rum.
M.

Missing Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy

2005-08-02T08:57:00.000-07:00

Steve! leaves for New York on the 14th-ish of this month. His lease is signed and his car will be packed and he's taking a piece of my heart with him. I got so lucky to have him as a friend this past year that I am very very sad he is leaving, even though he is getting a great opportunity. Staten Island, New York and Wagner College; you better be damn good to Steve! or I will have to get all up in your grill.

There's a hand gun under my bed

2005-07-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I figured he'd put it in the drawer but while making the bed the other day I kicked the hand gun, hidden under his side of the bed.

We don't have kids-- no one but us and the dogs in the bedroom so that isn't too big a deal, but still... THERE IS A HAND GUN IN MY BEDROOM.

This is the best metaphor for a combining of lives that are not similar, with lifestyles that are not similar in the hopes of making something new and interesting.

For the record I am against guns unequivocally.

I am not however against him unequivocally-- or at all.

Growing pains

2005-07-11T06:30:00.000-07:00

So I determined the other day that I own 61 pairs of shoes.

Commence Imelda jokes now.

I am getting rid of 6 pairs that I do not wear any more. But there is not enough room in my closet for Dan AND my shoes. What is a girl to do?

M.

Removing the air from Englands sails or FUCK YOU, Al Queda

2005-07-07T14:22:00.000-07:00

So -- the horror with which I have watched terrorism across the world has never abated. Ever.

London, you are my favorite city-- you have been since 1995. ( San Diego, plug your ears cause you ain't got nothin' on London.) When the western world gets a lift, the mean nasty crawly things that don't ever get lifts ( you know, cause of karma) just want to pull us down into the mud. No one ever targets people who make no difference, or countries that have no pull.

England, you have steadfastly stood by America in the wake of an idiotic war, you bolstered our resolve after 9/11 and you are getting punished for it. Wipe the mud off your stiff upper lip and be glad you are the target and not the kind of country that resorts to bullshit like this. America has your back. That is the least we can do.

My heart goes out to all of you.

Moving In

2005-07-06T06:58:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile.

Sailor Boy and I are moving in together. The consequences of which could be fabulous and they could be dire.

I like saying the consequences could be dire-- it's so much drama.

The way he puts it is "I think it'll be cool, it will either make us or break us."
He is a man of few words.

I have no idea how to live with a person again. I was so aggressive in carving out my own space in my own house and now I need to make room, both in my heart and in my home for someone. I suppose it is making room in my heart for him that is worse. I seem to have forgotten the lines when it comes to being in a relationship. I have forgotten how to consider my significant other. I got really used to being single. Now I know how men can feel like they are being trapped, well a little bit. But I guess I'm happy to be trapped which is one of the things that makes me female. I'm walking into the cage and will probably pull the bars shut and lock them on myself.

M.

2005-06-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Have you ever had a moment in time where you realized that you were done with something?

I had such a moment while watching Mr. and Mrs. Smith with my good frined and drinking buddy STEVE!.

While Brad and Angie were frantically trying to work out their relationships and also kill eachother I realized that they made me think of Sailor Boy rather than Neil. The lens through which I viewed the movie was tinted with Dan. As such, I was hopeful for them as a couple and wishing they hadn't said such stupid things to eachother and really hoping they wouldn't die.

Had I been looking through the "Neil Lens" I would have been bitter and cynical and a little bit sad to see how something with so much potential had come to nothing. And I would have silently told myself that there is no limit to the damage that one human being can do to another.

Weird-- where did all that negativity go? When did I stop seeing my life in the context of my relationship with Neil? I have the moment when I realized that was true and I guess that is the next best thing, to know I am over it.

PLUS Angelina Jolie is so fucking hot I had to be physically restrained from running down the stairs and licking her image on the screen. Seriously.

M.

Waking Up Saturday Morning

2005-06-11T07:47:00.000-07:00

Oh my god.
Seriously.
The worst thing about waking up hung over, is the feeling that you have no idea what happened last night. The worst feeling about waking up next to someone hung over, is that they want to now what the hell happened last night? -- Right Dan?

Yeah.

So yesterday I had a day that was incredibly boring and unproductive. In fact, I had a really crappy day where I realized:

I wasn't going to make any money any time soon.
that I actually needed to seriously take that fact seriously.
that I needed to work every goodamn weekend.
That there was no fun in my future.

No whining right about now. You do what you have to do. But no fun? That isn't really how I structured my life to be. And while I am stupid happy, because there is this werid , ahem, relationship thing right now, fun and laughs are two things, I require. Life is too short.

So to deal with this feeling I drank A LOT OF RUM AND COKES.

Can I tell you what a bad idea that was? Can I say I have no memory of going to bed last night, how I got there, what I said or did before I got there. And the great person on the other side of the bed assures me that I didn't do anything BAD:per se, but that he had no idea where that person came from.

FUCK.

And so now I can't go back to sleep imagining all the awful things I could have said, while my head pounds and my tongue feels like it needs a transplant.

Fuck.

And since I am not the next great american writer, I can't use this experience for my novel, or learn anything from it except not to drink rum and cokes when you have an exceptionally bad day and when you are nervous about meeting someones older brother who is unpredictable to say the least.

Well that is a lesson in itself. Fuck.

It's been a long time coming

2005-06-09T06:49:00.000-07:00

I'm really happy.

So clearly I have nothing to write about.

When someone asks me how things are going?
I say "good." and smile and that is the end of the conversation.

Things I am really happy about, in no particular order:

1. I have no money. I wish I could say it was liberating but I'm thinking of selling a kidney. But work is good and I love my job. Things will look up.
2. Sailor Boy. I would gush but ummm, that would freak him out.
3. My house has been clean for awhile now.
4. Mom and I are still talking.
5. I have several kickass weekends coming up full of fun things and cool people. How can you beat know that is happening?
6. My brothers Ross and Kevin are super cool and I am lucky to have them in my life.
7. I have the most wonderful best friend ever in Maria, and we talk like 5 times a day. In fact, I have to go call her right now.

Life is not great actually but it doesn't seem to matter. I'm pretty damn happy and I'm finding that happiness is pretty damn boring to write about.

M.

M.

Fragile -- This side up.

2005-05-26T06:37:00.000-07:00

So coming back from Missouri has made me a little bit fragile. I think it is because Mom cried when I left -- just a little bit-- and I could see that she loved me even though she is crazy and how can you turn your back on a person that loves you even for a second? How do you let that go in order not to get hurt again and again, which is what you think will happen?

You don't. So I guess I have a relationship with my mother again. Even though she won't come and see me and the priorities in her life make me feel mainly like Ross and I are unimportant, I know she loves me, a little, and so here we go again. AGAIN.

I guess I can try to think of her a long distance friend and accept the fact that if I want my mom in my life I will have to do the work in order to get her to trust that I won't hurt her again. So she will put me first a little bit and show me that she loves me too.

Families, can't live with them, can't make 'em drink the cool aid.

I'm off to email my mom.

M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-05-25T07:52:00.000-07:00

Pick me up at the airport and make me ask you for a hug and don't even act like you are happy to see me.

Yeah. We have a future.

Grumble.
M.

We aren't in Kansas anymore Dorothy! Wait-- yes we are.

2005-05-25T07:36:00.000-07:00

OK back from Missouri. Lots to tell, more pictures on my Flickr Page.

I had a really nice visit with Mom, no one died, no one yelled at me, I was pleasant and I think I might see her again before another 8 years is up. If only in small doses, becasue as fun as it was, she's, you know, CRAZY.

Things that disturbed me while in Missouri:

1. The proximity to other states. I mean where I live you can't drive to another state just like that. Plus they put the names of cities in other states on their exit signs. In 10 minutes I could have turned toward St. Jo, Des Moines, and Wichita. In fact while driving on the "loop" around Kansas City ( Missouri) I actually had to drive into Kansas. I have no idea why this freaked me out so much but it did. Majorly.

2. They allow people to ride unrestrained in the back of trucks out there. It says a lot for their civil liberties but given that most people do 80 on the freeway having their spawn bouncing around in the back of a pickup strikes me as irresponsibly free. I am glad I live in California where you can't smoke in any public building and childrem MUST ride with seatbelts INSIDE the vehicle.

3. The East Indian family that owned the Econo Lodge that we stayed in was a bunch of freakin idiots. And econo lodge? EWWW never again.

4. The actual graduation ceremony only took 50 minutes. There wasn't anything touchy feely or emotional about it. In fact the administration seemed to be so glad to get rid of this class of student I'm surprised they didn't make them ride around unrestrained in the back of a pickup for most of the year. That would have killed some of them off.

5. My mother has 12 dogs and 24 acres. That is 2 acres a dog but still not enough space. See pictures of the Grizzly Bear, I mean, Malamute, she owns on my flickr page.

6. I made my palne flight home by 3 minutes, no joke. Thank god for that. Never get stranded in Missouri, and never allow for a flight plan that leaves you in Salt Lake City airport for between 2-4 hours. That is not enough time to get out and see Temple Square but it is also not enough time to get drunk on over priced cocktails in the lounge. See, in Utah, they only serve alcohol by the thimbleful to us heathens who drink it. A martini comes in a shot glass.

M.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia... Lookin' for a soul to steal

2005-05-18T06:41:00.000-07:00

So I've been remiss. Really. I never write, I never call.

What the hell has been going on in my life?Better yet, why are the italics on? I am not this dramatic. Aagh, fucking blogger, I can't turn them off.

This is exactly why I should get off my ass and learn to make web pages. Neil-- are you listening? And if you are, Maria and I really need an update to the work website soon.

Ok, when it says italics are on that really means they are off, like when you live an a crappy apartment and the hot and cold water are reversed in your shower. (I always secretly liked that because it made my guests yell about the water when they were getting in the shower. In my head I always snickered like Muttley when that happened.)

Anyway, my existence lately.

Work-- 2 more months before I need a comission check so badly I have to go back to selling my eggs. Things are going well if slowly.

Sailor Boy-- lots of sex, lots of hanging out, still undefined, nothing better going on-- so why not?

I;m attempting to stop biting my fingernails. It's not going well but I'm not typing with bleeding stumps.

Went for my first ride on a motorcycle with Mark. Spent the first 15 minutes terrified. Spent the next hour, attempting to make the muscles in my body relax, spent the last hour wishing I hadn't been so scared for the first part. At the end I thought:
"that was cool, but it would have been better if I had been driving." Watch for me to be a menace on a bike within the next year.

Going to Lisa's graduation this weekend in Missouri. Not so stoked about that but family is family, can't live with them, can't make them drink the kool-aid.

Spending Memorial weekend with Sailor Boy and his family in Arizona. That will either be a train wreck or super fun. I'm hoping for a super fun train wreck. So fun you don't want to look away even though you can't look away.

Ok that is all to report. Totally digging the cover of I'll Stop the World by Nouvelle Vague this morning. Woke up with Portions for Foxes in my head but "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" was the first song I heard this morning. See what happens when you date someone who listens to county music?

Cue Donny and Marie:
He's a little bit country,
She's a little bit Rock n' Roll...

M.

Stupid Things

2005-05-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

So last night I was very interested in looking in a shop window at a dress, so interested in fact, that I banged my entire face into the glass leaving a face print and making my nose bleed just a little bit. I was then guilty of looking around to see if anyone had seen me do it and walking away quickly.

Nothing like that to make me feel like a complete dork.

M.

How to Charm and Annoy Me

2005-05-05T10:15:00.000-07:00

First, escape from the back yard twice. Too bad your brother gave you away becasue he was pissed that he was too fat to follow.

Second, chase the birds in the back yard. Don't you understand that those things can FLY?

God you guys are cute.

How to Charm Me

2005-04-28T07:23:00.000-07:00

Be the last piece of cold pizza in my fridge. You were the only edible food left in my house. Now you are in my tum. YUM.

I need to go to the grocery store. Mandarin Absolut and a package of sliced mushrooms doesn't make a meal.

M.

Nuh Uh!

2005-04-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

Go Here.

The internet will allow for anyone to form a group. Mainly I think that is a great thing, but in this case, not so much.

M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-04-26T15:22:00.000-07:00

Get in the elevator with me talking about how sick you are.

Don't you know that germs are contagious?

Bitch.

M.

How to Charm and Annoy Me

2005-04-26T10:21:00.000-07:00

Call me on Monday night to tell me we have to get all dressed up Saturday morning and get Medieval on someones ass. Don't you know I need a costume?

On the other hand-- yay for hanging out with you and Mosey!

M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-04-25T18:06:00.000-07:00

Have a garage filled with spiders.

Seriously, I feel like I'm covered in bugs.

M.

Getting Committed

2005-04-25T12:03:00.000-07:00

Maria,
I know that you are having a hard time. I was on the phone when you walked into his room and heard him screaming in the background.

You know what else I heard?

The way his wails dialed back the second he heard you, the way he tried to stop crying for his mama.

You are an amazing mother-- no matter if it is making you crazy and stressed. You handle it with grace and poise and strength.

This is just another way you lead by example.

M.

Losing a Jack

2005-04-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

My dog Jack weighs 27 pounds. In November of 2003 I weighed 175 and now I weigh 148. That is a loss of 27 pounds. I didn't see the correlations between the two until last night. I lost a Jack.

For the record, Jack is fat. He is not just a little bit big, he is FAT. When you pick him up it is surprising how heavy he is. "OOOF, Jack you are heavy."

I was carrying around that every day? holy shit. I must have been a total cow.

Never again.

M.

OK: Another Match.com update

2005-04-22T16:49:00.000-07:00

Most promising candidate amongst the Match.com ranks in a long time is this man.

Also,
less promising candidate include:

SuperDooperDude-- the huge amazingly big guy who probably has a very tiny penis due to his obvious steriod use. In addition to that he was such a winner that he refer to women as fruit. IE:
"I approach the dating scene in the same way I shop for vegetables: I look for the qualities I like, check to make sure they're not spoiled, make sure their not too deeply bruised by some clumbsy-dude who pawed over them before me, and if all checks out, I make room for them in my basket. Anything weird or smelly gets left behind for a less choosey type."

This ANGRY ANGRY MAN who in response to to a question I asked him about where he had been and what he enjoyed seeing there said:
"Prague was a highlight. Sort of like one of those perfectly preserved little hill towns only on an absolutely mind blowing scale, and filled with bizarre curiosities. And there was the Parco Guell in Barcelona with all this strange Gaudi architecture like the inside of a cave or something. Or maybe it was the giant 2000 year old Hagia Sophia church in Istanbul all lit up on a balmy night with little the seagulls swirling around it.God that used to be my life, I go nuts just thinking about it."
See, we were good until the last sentence.

Then there is the recently divorced Navy guy. Holy baggage. Dan told me that lots of Navy men get Dear John letters while being out to sea. This guy's divorce was final 5 months before he was done with deployment. I'm sure he doesn't have any baggage.

On the other hand there is this man:

This guy seems pretty cool. I hope he emails me back. He actually reads which means I could talk about books with him plus he's writing a childrens book whcih sounds so cool I don't even know what to say about it.

All Sailors, All the Time: A Match.com Update

2005-04-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

OK, I don't get it. It was engineers and I'm still getting my fair share of them. But now the majority of my winks/emails are coming from Navy boys and Marine Jarheads.

What did you do to me Sailor Boy? Is there some invisible sign I have now that only service men can see?

M.

Seymour

2005-04-21T12:22:00.000-07:00

Walrus,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.

So when I was a little girl, my favorite animal show at Sea World was the sea lion and walrus show. The show consisted of a "haunted mansion" and a walrus named Seymour and various sea lions and otters that solved a crime while doing tricks. There was various hokey music silly costumes and the walrus wore a bowler hat, which surprisingly, didn't seem to bother him.

I noticed today that Jack looks just like Seymour from the side. At least his breath isn't as bad. But he'd never wear a bowler hat.
M.

How to Charm and Annoy Me

2005-04-21T07:13:00.000-07:00

Blame me for the fact you drank too much beer. I didn't see myself holding a funnel.

M.

How to Charm Me

2005-04-19T21:42:00.000-07:00

Sleep on my cold feet with all your fuzzy fatness while I watch TV. You rock dog.
M.

The difference between love and sex

2005-04-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

So at my age my sex drives starts to ramp up. Just ask my slightly older friend Denyce.

and couple that with the loss of my only sexual outlet in the loss of Sailor Boy-- who was definitely the best sex of my life-- and you have a very very grumpy Michelle.

Who can't see straight.

I'm not sure what I miss most about Dan-- we're still friends, and I do miss the way he held me in the middle of the night and the way that he made me breakfast in the morning. But mainly I miss the f*cking. And I think I can only see him in public places for awhile, just so I don't have to sit on my hands to keep from molesting him.

Sorry Mom if you are reading this.
M.

Hey Jealousy

2005-04-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

There is nothing like looking across the table at a man you used to adore passionately while he gets a backrub from his current girlfriend, and feel nothing but concern that she's ok with you being there.

and yet,
when he said casually " she'll be home at ..." I felt like I had been slapped in the face.

Emotions make no sense whatsoever.
M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-04-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Go out the night before you have to work all day and drink yourself silly and have to sleep you your friend Steve's couch. Damn idiot.
M.

U.S. Government

2005-04-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

So my passport just came-- and all I can think is:

"damn! I'm stuck with that picture for 10 years?"

on the upside though they sent back my old passport so I could keep the few stamps I had managed to collect, and my first passport photo was infinitely worse.

All legal and everything-- now I just need someplace to go.
M.

I can tell you taste like the sky becasue you look like rain

2005-04-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

Bonus points to anyone at all who knows where that lyric came from.

So it is now officially 1/3 through the year. Time to check in with my silly resolutions and see how I am doing.
1. Finish the kitchen remodeling project I started last year-- I mean really how hard can it be to paint for chrissakes?
Not too hard-- this is not done yet but it will prolly be done within the next 2 months.

2. Make my bed most days.
Ha! right.

3. See more shows. Plays, Music, Comedy etc. Why do I live in a city if I don't take advantage of it?
I did sign up for the summer pops series. Definite progress.

4. Achieve professional goals. (Set out between Maria and I.) I'm also making it a goal to not talk about work here too much. I really hope that leaves me with something to talk about.

Well I seem to have enough to talk about. Work is going well Goal is to achieve presidents circle this year.

5. Go on vacation for at least 2 weeks this year. See goal 4 for the money to be able to do this.
Ok I'm back sliding on this one. I had a vacation and now I don't. I'm thinking Austrlia and New Zealand in the fall. Octoberish.

Wow-- I didn't really set very hard goals did I? I could feel like a bad person for that but instead I think I am going to go to work and make sure the easy goals I set get achieved.

M.

How to Charm Me

2005-04-13T07:33:00.000-07:00

Love my dog Jack.

M.

PROS AND CONS

2005-04-12T19:58:00.000-07:00

So I officially have no one to go to Puerta Vallarta with.
I have two choices: Go alone or cancel the trip. Clearly a list needs to be made:

Pro Going alone:
1. Nicole has a friend down there I can meet.
2. I've never been on vacation alone.
3. It could be a really big adventure
4. I might meet some really nice people.

Cons for going alone:
1. I would have to be really cautious about who I met and hung out with.
2. I might get really lonely without anyone to share fun things with.
3. If something happened to me no one would know for days.
4. It makes me feel pretty damn lame that I can't GIVE away a trip to Puerta Vallarta.

Pros for staying:
1.The cost of the hotel would recarpet my bedroom and stairs
2. I could focus on work during the busy season.
3. I'm already going to missouri for 4 days in May which will NOT be a vacation but a high stress thing but it would be more time from work.
4. Maria and I would be able to pull the garage sale off without a hitch.

Cons for staying:
1. I can always work. It never ends.
2. I really wanted to go on vacation.
3. Yeah I can't think of any more.

Whatever. I'll sleep on it. Fucking men anyway.
M.

Aftermath

2005-04-12T11:01:00.000-07:00

I've wrapped my mind around it. It doesn't even really hurt-- just stings a little. But I have a bad feeling I'm going to miss the idea of the person more than the person. I really liked being in some sort of realtionship, with possibilites and hope. I liked thinking I could have someone to care about who would take care of me.

So here I am compulsively checking my email, and feeling like an idiot when there is nothing there. Of course there is nothing there. At least I'm not emailing him. At least I'm not pathetic. I'm just alone, a condition I find highly unsatisfactory but bearable. I was alone a lot last year. There is no reason I can't be that way again. Even if it isn't my natural state of being. Because it isn't. I require people and fun and love and laughter. I REQUIRE them. Accept no substitutes.

A few more days and I probably won't be checking my email for him. A few more days and I won't give him a second thought. Right?

Right. Fake it until you make it baby. All the way.

Thanks to Steve-- for last night, for my ice cream and cigarettes and wine and dinner and for being there. Thanks too for giving him his break up nickname. The all purpose "idiot boy" was unfair. But "squid boy"? Now that has a certain panache.

M.

Baggage

2005-04-11T06:34:00.000-07:00

You could pack for a European Tour in the bags under my eyes. Seriously.

I knew something was wrong, I knew it. All the non verbal clues told me. And then I get the email...

"I like you, you are a great girl and we have lots of fun together and I don't want that to end... but I'm just not feeling an emotional connection with you and I don't know what to do about it."

So I did it for him. He said he wasn't expecting it but, really, how can I have done anything else? He said that I did everything right and that I was great but I didn't give him that "feeling" in the pit of his stomach. How can you argue with that?

Given my track record he'll probably go off and be incredibly emotionally available for his next girl who he will adore and they will live happily ever after.

I guess I'm just the training ground. Not the real thing. That is all the self pity I can put in writing but it's there, because I am hurting. HURTING.

I can't have done anything different. But when he went to hug me as I left, I wanted to kill him. HOW DARE HE THINK HE CAN COMFORT ME? I always felt the same way when Neil told me how wonderful I was and how some great person was waiting for me just around the corner-- someone I deserved. People never get what they deserve. So cut out the bullshit and realize that to try and comfort me, or make me feel better, or tell me how great I am is to just underscore the giant "but I still don't want you" that hangs after the nice gesture. You make it worse. By hurting me you have relinquished the right to comfort me. You have given up your place as the person I trust and would come to for anything.

I must have grown out of hating people once they hurt me, I couldn't summon it this morning when the sun was rising and I lay in bed with tears trickling down my face. I wanted anger and hate and fury. That will get me somewhere, that at least, is not this pathetic crying girl.

I remember the look on my mothers face when Paul dumped me. I cried to her "but he said he loved me" with all the naivete of a 16 year old girl. And she looked so sorry for me as my heart was breaking and she comforted me. At least Dan never said he loved me and I kind of want my mommy.
M.

Why did curiosity kill the cat?

2005-04-10T13:41:00.000-07:00

So I'm starting to feel like I have all the initiative. I'm moving forward with us and I have no idea where you are. When I maintain my momentum I can kind of sweep people along. I'm forceful to say the least.

So I suppose I should back off. But that is something I am afraid of doing. I am afraid if I let go of my momentum you won't take us anywhere. But if you are just being swept along by me, I guess we shouldn't be together anyway. I hate being motivated by fear. It is a weak and lame place to work from. Fear is something I cannot allow in my life.

So, it's your turn. You can't tell me your feelings, so I'm going to wait and see if your actions speak louder than words. It's not a test or a game. I haven't the patience for that. But you will be telling me something if I don't hear from you for a few days. You will be speaking very loudly then.

Besides, I'm curious to see how long it takes before you realize I'm not calling, writing, etc.
M.

Dead Sexy / Dead Tired

2005-04-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

I'm dragging, too much margarita, too much sex, not enough sleep.

Do I really care? Hell No.

Do I wish I were still in bed with you, warm and comfortable? Hell yes.

You made me love you last night. Just a little. I want that feeling back. Is there anything better than the feeling of caring for someone else? Of feeling like your heart is going to explode with joy at the connection you have made, even for one little instant? I want that, again and again. I'm not going to stop until I have someone to take care of and love. And pat him and feed him and name him george.

Off to work.
M.

Rule Breaker / Rule Follower

2005-04-02T09:49:00.000-08:00

When I was in Las Vegas the founder of our company got up and introduced one of his best friends from childhood as a "character builder." He said it was important to recognize the people who you knew that enriched your character.

Maria Tomcek enriches my character every day. She leads by example rather than by demand. She has taught me the value of "done", she reiterates everyday that the only thing of value a person has is their integrity, she supports me unequivocally-- even when she thinks that I am crazy, she demands excellence from me when I would slack and she counsels me when I lose my way. When I am old and someone asks me who influenced my life. Her name is on the short list.

I am blessed with the people I have in my life, but meeting Maria and becoming her friend is one of the best things that has ever happened to me and I appreciate it every day.
M.

How to Charm Me

2005-03-30T06:40:00.000-08:00

Get slightly intoxicated over the phone and tell me exactly what you would do to me, right that very minute, if I were your neighbor. I wish I were your neighbor.
M.

Please hold...

2005-03-28T12:50:00.000-08:00

Last Day of Mogget 010,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.

So after much holding the San Diego County Humane Society let me know that two sets of people are in the process of adopting Molly. I'm crying as I write this out of both happiness and sadness. Happy for my little Molly-girl and sadness for me. No chance I can change my mind now.
Hopefully when I call back next week they can tell me what kind of home she has gone to.
M.

Of all my friends and lovers...

2005-03-28T07:03:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since the earth shattering breakup of 2004. Well the earth didn't shatter as I expected it too, but my heart did in some final way that I am only now completely understanding.
But after discussing our current relationships on the phone and communicating in the same way we perfected over the course 9 years; and realizing that we are finally growing irrevocably apart, I wanted to take the time to write all the nice things down I could think of about you and all the things I miss so much it still makes me want to cry even though I would do the Bataan Death March before I would get back together with you.

Becasue there were so many of them, please, do not consider this list definitive.
1. You are one of the smartest people I know.
2. You are so funny that it hurts. I mean literally, sometimes you make me laugh so hard that the muscles in my cheeks scream out in pain-- like that time at Curque Du Soliel, remember?
3. We were exactly the right kind of silly together when no one else was around. I could use some level 3 and no one else will ever do it right.
4. You were so affectionate that you might have spoiled me forever to "normal men". Note: I am not sure there is such a thing as a normal man.
5. You were damn good in bed and I'll bet if we ever did it again you could reclaim your crown as the best sex of my life.
6. You were never open but you talked so much it was ok. You are open now and I am glad to know that you learned how being closed up freaks women out. I wish you could have learned that with me instead of from me, but at least you made progress.
7. You knew me, you got me, you enjoyed me, and you loved me. I knew you loved me, which is what made your constant betrayals so hurtful. Through it all I have never doubted that you would come if I called in the middle of the night and told you I was in a Balinese Jail and could you cause an international incident to get me out? I'm smiling thinking of the international incident you would cause.
8. You are one of the most generous people that I know.
9. You are handsome, if a geek, and now that you dress better I think things are looking up.
10. I will probably regret our "missed opportunity" forever.

I know the last year has been hard for both of us, good, but hard. I just wanted you to know, I still appreciate you and I would still move the moon for you. ( See how much the little sheep loves the big sheep?)
M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-03-26T09:57:00.000-08:00

Kiss my neck like you did last night and then let me walk out of your house as if you didn't want me.

c'mon and step up.
M.

How to Charm Me

2005-03-25T12:02:00.000-08:00

Pretend you are sleepy so I'll get motivated and give you a blow job to wake you up. You aren't fooling anybody Mr. Man.

And for the record-- you so sing along to the radio.
M.

How to Annoy Me

2005-03-25T12:01:00.000-08:00

Call me a lazy fucking bitch when I have worked my butt off for you for almost 4 months.

You know who you are.
M.

Never go to bed angry

2005-03-23T06:15:00.000-08:00

UPDATE: DONE WITH THE SEETHING. Everything in life deserves multiple chances. Plus make up sex is slightly better then break up sex. Not as good as hotel sex though.

UPDATE: back to seething. We can be done now. I'll wave the white flag like Dido never would.

So that is the advice of a ton of couples in movies where old couples give advice. You know the movies I mean? Anything with Meg Ryan in her cute phase usually has something like that.

Well last night I went to bed seething. The why and wherefores would cripple my fingers if I typed them all out.

Unfortunately or fortunately I only woke up irritated. Still, I thought it would be gone and it's not.

Stupid chick flicks. Why are they always right?

M.

How to Annoy Me *

2005-03-22T14:44:00.000-08:00

Pop wheelies in front of my vehicle while going 70 mph south on Fairmont Ave. If my car hits your mangled body I will have to get it washed again. ( the car, not the body.)
M.

* concept stolen from and credited to Dooce.

mogget update

2005-03-22T11:36:00.000-08:00

Molly has cleared the medical inspection at the humane society but her behavorial evaluation has not yet been completed. So either she was more bonded to me than they thought, they are behind, or there is something wrong. Poor little girl. The world must seem pretty scary for her right now.
M.

When do you decide to cut your losses?

2005-03-21T10:04:00.000-08:00

Have you ever noticed that life is complicated?

I have a guy, and I'm in. I could really make something with him. If he would open up. But he doesn't. It's a thing. Majorly a thing. His eyes tell me he is into me. His thoughtfulness and his touching base seem to imply that he thinks of me when I'm not around. But he is abrubt and unreadable and since I have to rely on his non verbal clues to figure out what is going on in his head, I am frequently assuming the worst. Now, I have a habit of assuming the worst and I'll own up to it. But still, how hard is it to say, " I like you a lot."???

And then there is another guy, don't know him beyond emails, and he strikes me as insincere. I hate insincere but his compliments and our instant "click" make me think maybe he could be a thing. If we both didn't have other people we were so into. So I tell the new guy go away, call me when your life is less complicated and maybe I'll pick up. But he doesn't, taking no for an answer is not his thing. I'm not into screwing up the good if messy thing I have for the insincerity of the compliments, even though I love that he can tell me what he thinks of me. Or at least what he thinks I want to hear.

How much thinking until my brain melts down? I'd speed the process along if only to have some quiet space in my head. There used to be quiet space when I wasn't dating. There was certainty and time for yoga and focus on work.

So when do I decide that there is too much going on and cut my losses? When do I get my equilibrium back? If the first guy could open up would that do it? That is my first choice.

If the second guy could prove to be sincere would that do it? Or then would I be forced to make a complicated decision?

There are no answers in this post-- just more questions. There is no quiet space here either.

M.

Mogget Retrospective

2005-03-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

Last Day of Mogget 002,
originally uploaded by chelleannathome.

So, last Saturday I took Molly to the humane society so that she can find a family with no other dogs and no small children.

It was one of the hardest things I have ever done. She was terrified and she so clearly looked to me to provide her with some comfort. I am not the comfort provider for anything but my dogs. No kids, no boyfriend, no one in my family and I feel like I failed her.

When Neil and I were finally done I felt like I had failed. As if, by trying harder and working more diligently, I could have made something that was broken a long time ago come back to life.

That is how I felt about Molly, I knew this was the right thing to do and yet I feel like if I had given her more time and attention I could have kept her from hiding behind the refrigerator for an entire day or from peeing in my kitchen.

It is hard to feel like you failed and to have it hanging over you with no real end in sight. But I wanted to say that I loved that little dog even when she was weird and I miss her every day.
M.

How to Charm Me

2005-03-20T12:08:00.000-08:00

Make me breakfast while singing along to the radio.

I'm so easily pleased.

M.

When you sleep, what do you dream about?

2005-03-19T12:11:00.000-08:00

You sleep in the bed like a small mountain range. You shoulder rises and blocks my view of the room, your leg curled over a pillow or over me. I love to curl up behind you and trace the contours of your skin with my eyes. Your shoulders are broad and your waist dips in before the curve of your hip rises again. When I wake up and your back is to me I usually look at you for about 10 minutes before moving. Those 10 minutes are some of the longest of my life becasue my hands cry out to feel the muscles in your back and the suppleness of your skin. I have never wanted to consistently touch every inch of a person the way I want to touch you. I can never make it without touching you, I could never get up and leave without seeing if you will touch me back. But doing that is like rousing a dragon or a dinosaur or some other mythological beast that seems to not notice you until you make them and then you are trapped.

Your arms are long and heavy and they pin me to the bed, all tenderness and strength. Sometimes you cup one of my breasts and randomly squeeze it while you are dreaming. You think you don't, but you do. I love knowing you could pin me to the bed and take whatever you wanted. I would be helpless before you with an open heart if you would let me.

When you are really asleep you tuck your face in the back of my neck and breathe your hot breath on my skin. Until you start to snore I treasure this. It is like feeling your heartbeat, feeling the proof of your life next to mine while my eyes get heavy and my body relaxes into the rhythm of your breathing. You are the only person I know who can go to sleep faster than I can.

I find you beautiful, I find you funny, I love to just hang with you without feeling the pressure of being entertaining or "on." I would trust you to take care of me, and lean into your caring, careful nature.

The fact you have been hurt makes me want to hurt that other woman. I won't be responsible formy actions if I ever met her. Fucking Cunt.

My hard candy shell is only to disguise that I would soothe you and listen to you and rage with you if you would let me.

Don't tell me that you don't dream. You whisper and move and sometimes cry out in your sleep. That is the time when I know you are a person I could love, if you would let me.